HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 8

On today's episode of "How to survive a recession: Get To Work Edition.

1) Have A Plan
And God SAID, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
Genesis 1:6 KJV

Pretty self explanatory, if you want get something done, you need to have a well laid out plan. Say it out loud to yourself every morning when you wake up. Speak it into existence.
Write the vision....

2) Get To Work
And God MADE the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
Genesis 1:7 KJV

God is not a fairy god mother who can make all your dreams come true with the wave of a magic wand. He is not a money doubler. He most certainly does not give hand outs. He blesses the work of your hands.
It's a divine principle. You gotta be seen doing something.
God MADE the firmament means God rolled up his sleeves and put in some work.

3) Don't Skip The Process
Now imagine that God created the fishes first before creating the sea.
Or if he created man first before creating the herb bearing seeds, what would man have had for lunch?
There are no short cuts to success.

4) Self Appraisal
....and God saw that it was good.
This is a recurring phrase in the creation story.
You are your biggest cheerleader. Take time out to look back on how far you've come and congratulate yourself. You deserve it.

5) Mediocrity is not an option
And God saw EVERYTHING that he had made, and, behold, it was VERY good.
Genesis 1:31 KJV

You got to give it your 110%

5) Get Some Rest
And on the seventh day God ENDED his work which he had made; and he RESTED on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
Genesis 2:2 KJV

GOD RESTED. Fascinating isn't it?
I like to imagine God coming home with his coveralls after a long six days in his lab designing an entire universe. Jesus runs to greet him at the door with a cold cup of water and the Holy Spirit hands him a pillow to rest his head on.
In fact that day was so good that
...God BLESSED the seventh day, and SANCTIFIED it: BECAUSE that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
Genesis 2:3 KJV

If God can make an entire universe out of shapelessness/darkness, you too can make something good come out of this recession.

HOW YO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 7

Disclaimer: Current weight: 71kg
Current tummy size: 23 weeks pregnancy equivalent.
Who strike don epp?

On today's episode of _How_To_Survive_A_Recession_ : Be Security Conscious Edition

A) Just in case you missed the notification, this is the 21st century, you cannot afford to have a weak password.
If your password combination is your birthday OR the name of your spouse/pet OR the last four digits of your credit card OR  the name/jersey number of your favorite football player; my dear you are begging to be hacked.
A good(strong) password has to contain upper/lower case letters, a number and preferably a symbol.

Having said that, try as much as possible not to use the same password for all your accounts.

Pro tip: If you have a hard time recalling passwords, send an email to yourself containing all your password combinations. And please when sending the email, don't put "Passwords" as the subject of the email What if someone hacks into your email eh Captain Obvious?

B) Ladies, when you're in your car in traffic, put your handbag/laptop bag on the floor or boot preferably. There are bad boys at traffic stops whose stock in trade is to break the windows of unsuspecting females and rob them of their valuables.

C) Story time!
One day like that I made an online transfer of a sizeable amount of money.The  bank had to call me to confirm if it was really me who authorized the transfer as it was not customary for such finds to leave my account in one go.
As per, na you be this?!

Likewise, my prayer for you this week is that God will cause such an uncommon transformation in your life that people will call you from all over just to hear all about it.

Because Jesus lives, you can face tomorrow. Do not be afraid.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 6

On today's episode of How to survive a recession: Safety First Edition

Tough times don't last, tough people do. The downside is that while the tough times are lasting, it also breeds people with tough conscience.
People who would do anything to make ends meet in a dwindling economy.
Safety is the watchword.

So now not only are companies laying off workers  or paying them half salaries, they are now churning out sub standard products/services to the market.
Funtime Coconut chips that I used to buy N100 that year and wouldn't be able to finish it, today I bought it and there were barely 8chips there still got the same price. Dollar Don high abi?
Bottled water now is suspect because I hear some people pick up the used bottles and refill them under the tap/resell as water or zobo.
Na today them start to dey clean off expiry date from Gala?
Be careful what you put in your mouth  people! Shine your eyes.

There are many things your phone can do besides Whatsapp and Facebook. Shocker! I know.
I'm always befuddled when someone tells me they are going to the ATM to buy credit or transfer money. In this 21st century kwa? Beloved, every bank now has a mobile app that allows you to do all your business without leaving your bed. If you're having difficulties with your account, all you need do is send customer care an email and they'd resolve your issue in no time.
Limit your exposure. Standing at the ATM makes you a potential target.

Travel in the daytime. Travel with your power bank. Let someone know where you are going o.

See eh, there are many angry people out and about these days. The economy is not smiling, we too are not smiling. Please approach people with caution especially road users. Not everytime Mortal Kombat, be a Jesus baby and just unlook.

Pay attention when you enter a taxi or keke. If the occupants of the vehicle start talking about dollars , please kindly alight.

Please report any suspicious activity to the police.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 5

Disclaimer: "Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Recovery is when Buhari loses his"
     (plagiarized version)

On today's episode of "How to survive a recession: Brother's Keeper Edition

You know what word rhymes with recession? Depression

One of the things we Nigerians are very much in denial about. But there's a lot of that going around these days.

Just about every other week I hear news of someone being laid off their job due to the economic downturn.
People are suffering quietly, struggling to make ends meet.
You turn on the news and just wonder....
It's not far fetched that times like this can leave one feeling stressed and depressed.

If there was ever a time to practice being our brother's keeper, it's now.

** Not everytime "Fadalaud send my destiny helpers my way", you too be somebody's destiny helper. Be the answer to somebody's prayers.

** Smile and pay someone a genuine compliment. It might just be the encouragement they need for the day.

** Turn the other cheek. Don't give in to anger. If someone is in your face/comments/inbox trying to be a first class A hole. You know that you can put this person on blast and decimate him with your words. Instead you ignore; mute conversation or block. You save yourself energy and save the ozone layer as well.
Jesus 1- 0 Satan

** Be courteous. Allow the other driver to enter your lane in traffic. Give someone a ride to work.

** Use deodorant.

** Don't do/say things that would make people blaspheme God, all in the name of stirring up religous debate. There are a few disgruntled people out there who will jump at any opportunity to ridicule God.

** Don't forget to pray for the internally displaced persons in the North.

** School is back in session. Look out for the young ones.

** Treat people with respect regardless of their social strata.

** SHARE internet data with someone.

** Call and keep in touch with your parents. Always remember that no matter how tough it gets, you are not alone.
This too shall pass.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 4

Disclaimer:
 "Good morning Patience Jonathan. The ideal patient👏. The only person that budgets $31 million for treatment. On behalf of doctors, please collect this good morning.
The rest of you that don't budget that amount, Goan look for your good morning. You people are the reason doctors are still driving 504"
     -Prince Viktörr

Previously on "How to survive a recession: The Food Edition (Eat healthy. Live healthy):
We saw the 20 amazing benefits of coconut oil(refer to Photo Album: Coconut Diaries)

Far be it from me to police your eating habits but since you're already here...

1) #FOODMUSTNOTWASTE. Repeat after me. Food must not waste.
Only cook what you can eat. It really is that simple.

2) Go NUTS with your diet. Walnut, Almonds, Cashew, Tiger nuts, Coconut, Peanuts etc
They have amazing health benefits.

3) Breakfast still remains the most important meal of the day.

4) Avoid eating roadside food i.e food you're not sure how it was prepared..
Not every time Mr Biggs. Staying in is the new going out.

5) Eat less salt, your heart will thank you for it.  Drink lots of water, your skin would thank you for it.
Eat your fruits/veggies, your bowels will thank you for it.
Exercise, your body will thank you for it.

6) Yeah the prices of things have gone up in the market, but always remember the golden rule, quality over quantity.
Amen?

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 3

Disclaimer:
" FRESH $5m found in Patience Jonathan's account" - PUNCH Newspaper
Abeg does anybody have any stale $5m that they are not using again?

On today's episode of "How to survive a recession: The Onigbese Edition

Onigbese: Debtor, Creditor

I've always said that there are two awkwardly frustrating situations I'd rather not find myself in:
1) having to tell someone that they have bad breath/body odour.
2) trying to convince(beg) someone who owes you money to pay up.

Scenario 1 is not all that daunting because once the issue is out in the open, it's only a matter of time before we can all move on with our lives.

Scenario 2 on the other hand, usually goes down like this:

You: Guy how far, when you go free me the bar?(when will you pay me my money?)

Onigbese:
** Is it because of small N50,000 you are harassing me like this ? My God will fight for me.
** You sef, are you not bigger than 5million naira?
** My ATM card got trapped
** Unfailingly tomorrow, first thing in the morning ("What if tomorrow never comes playing in the background")
** blocks you on all social media platforms/screens your calls.
** develops amnesia

You:  😶 *logs out of life*

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 2

Fun Fact:

In high school I overheard one girl say that if Esther loosened her hair before you then that means your hair must be really really old.
Yup I could carry(read as maintain😁) hair for Africa. Mostly because mother was always particular about my hair being cut small for braids/plaits which meant sitting down the whole day in one crummy shop because big head.
One more embarrassing thing about me you can add to your archives.

On today's episode of "Nobody asked for my advice but I'm gonna give it anyways..."

How to save money/time in a recession (and still look good): The Hair Edition

1) Know what works for you.
You must not try on every hairstyle that is in vogue. And if you must, then please get someone who is proficient. E.g crotchet braids. The idea of crotchet braids is that they are supposed to look REALISTIC. You feel me?

2) Team Natural
* perming your hair once every month is not healthy for your hair. The less chemicals in your hair, the better for you and your pocket.
* I like to perm my hair before I braid it so it'd come out neat and last longer. But I see no need perming my hair if I'm going to cover it with a weave later, except I'm going to leave out some hair then maybe.
* speaking of leave outs, please use weavons that match your hair color.
* if you do not own a hot comb then I strongly advise against leave outs. Can't be seen on the streets looking like a harassed clown especially in this rainy season.

3) Not every time Brazilian hair. But that don't mean you should go synthetic either.
* I'm frugal when it comes to buying weaves. If I don't see myself using it a second time, mbok I'm not buying.

4) My hair stylist is bae. Repeat after me. My hair stylist is bae.
* You see how men are loyal to their barbers? Good. Take it from me, male hair stylists are always the ones to go to whenever you want to cut or style your weave into a bob or pixie cut.

5) YouTube has many how-to videos on just about everything hair related. And if you don't have two left hands like me, you could even start making your hair yourself.

6) If  you're a guy reading this and thinking "Well won't it be cheaper if you just cut your hair"?, slap yourself before I slap you.

7) Salon that is not a gossip/rumor mongering center, is that one salon ?

THE WILDERNESS EXPERIENCE

Disclaimer: Since I was born and now I am getting old, there is no year that the theme "Dare to be different" is not used for Children's camp or Sunday School somewhere in Nigeria.

Allow me to share a little something that caught my attention over a year ago and has stuck with me ever since.
**The Wilderness Experience**

"And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil."
     Matthew 3:17 - 4:1 KJV

So here was Jesus, who had just received a divine endorsement from God himself in the hearing of all the people who had come to the Jordan to be baptized by John.
You'd expect that he would have opened his own church immediately and started his ministry from there on out because I mean what  other introduction can be better than that. Right?
Instead he was led into the wilderness where he fasted&prayed for 40days, and on top of the hunger the devil still came to look for his trouble, a whole beloved son of God!

Likewise for some of us, there are certain things that God has declared over your life that you feel is taking too long to manifest in reality. You can't understand why you don't have that job/spouse/healing/breakthrough yet and it seems things are getting tougher despite the numerous prophecies and visions and laying of hands. Hang in there honey, God is still in your situation. You just have to pass the test.

"The wilderness experience" is a place of testing, a place of hunger, a place of preparation, a place of solitude, a place where your faith grows into maturity.
And the devil is going to be on standby, fighting tooth and nail trying to weaken your resolve to serve God.
Do not be discouraged.
Keep on speaking the word of God to your situation.
And you better believe that if God brought you to it, he'd bring you through it.

Oh and everyday, strive to be the beloved son/daughter in whom God is well pleased with.

Don't skip the process.

KEEPING UP WITH THE MILLENIIALS

Food for thought:
To think that at the beginning of this year we had two months of scorching heat and we were praying for rain, now it rains almost every other day.
Everything has a season. God has ordered it to be so. Don't fret, your season of breakthrough will surely come. But in the meantime, don't skip the process.

Every other Sunday morning my mom and I debate over what shade of lipstick, amount of cleavage, sleeve/dress length or accessories  is appropriate for church.
This morning, my hair was too red, and the length wasn't helping matters.
**rubs temples**

It speaks of the generational gap that is very much existent in the church today. For the purpose of this conversation we shall divide these generations into two. On one hand we have the Generation X (those born between 1965 and 1976) and on the other hand we have the Millennials aka Generation Y( those born between 1977 and 1998)
In other words, we have the new school and the old school Christians, for want of a better expression.

The Millennials feel that church service should be brisk and business like; 2hours max and we're all out the door. The Generation Xers are of the opinion that we should dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever.

The Millennials praise God in a noisy way, with so much enthusiasm and excitement.
The Generation Xers on the other hand just want to listen to a hymn or spiritual song that takes them back to that "old time religion"
 Which one is "Baba carry me dey go dey go" again ? And why does the worship leader have that weird bushy hairdo?

The Millennials carry their Bible on their phones and tabs. The Generation Xers will stick to their leather bound KJV Bibles thank you very much.

I could go on and on but methinks you get my drift by now.
But you know the beautiful thing about it, no matter the generational divide/gap/fracture, there's one thing that connects us all - Christ Jesus. Let's all accommodate one another in love, it's what he'd have us do.

In other unrelated news: Congratulations mum on your ordination as a licensed minister of the Foursquare Gospel Church in Nigeria. May God continue to prosper you. Amen!

FACEBOOK SNOBS/PLAGARISTS

Disclaimer: Daddy Mark Zuckerberg is in Nigeria. This is not a drill! I repeat. Daddy Mark Zuckerberg is in the giant of Africa.
#OsheyAugustVisitor

On today's episode of "Petty hurts..''
Finally something else to gripe about that isn't "Feminism, Buhareconomics or 200K salary"
 OK I must warn you that I'm about to get really petty on this post, I've been off my meds lately. Proceed with caution.

There are a group of people I like to call 'Facebook snobs".
They believe Facebook is too good for them and they don't hesitate to point it out everytime they are on Twitter(oops!)
How can you identify a FB snob? They can be active on all other social media platforms but only show up on FB when they have something big happening in their lives they want us to know about or to update their profile picture.

Secondly, if everytime you come online your default reaction to people's updates is "what is this one even saying sef" OR "this one is always online everytime" OR you only accept friend requests from people with fine profile pictures OR you only like/share/comment on the updates of people in your FB clique(yes it's an actual thing) OR anyone who disagrees with you is a moron;
 you're well on your way to becoming a Facebook snob

And as for those of you who come on Facebook to post updates that have been trending on Twitter and pass it off as your own original idea, I don't even have words for you right now. Consider this your cease and desist order.

Finally, if it seems like all of a sudden your doctor friend has started replying your Whatsapp messages on time or is now available for weekend groove, don't get too excited, na strike we dey so. We shall be back to regular programming soon

So that concludes my ramblings for today. 3 minutes of your life you'd never get back.
Thank you for stopping by.

 Please exit this status in an orderly fashion.

*jogs to Twitter*

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 1

Recession:
a period of temporary economic decline during which trade and industrial activity are reduced, generally identified by a fall in GDP in two successive quarters.
"Nigeria's economy slips into recession, FG attempts to allay concerns."
synonyms: downturn,depression, slump, slowdown,credit crunch, credit squeeze; stagnation ;hard times.

When men are cast down, then thou shalt say, There is lifting up; and he shall save the humble person.
Job 22:29 KJV

As Christians we love to quote the above passage and claim it for ourselves especially when we are at low points in our lives. Now with the news that Nigeria is officially in a recession, I can almost bet you that this verse would be the buttress point of many warfare prayers to come in the ensuing months.

Let's take a look at that verse again, in context. There are preconditions..

Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee.  Receive, I pray thee, the law from his mouth, and lay up his words in thine heart.  If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shalt put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles.
Job 22:21‭-‬23 KJV

First things first. You gotta get to know God better. Yes, we tend to experience more of God(and his grace) in tough times.
The FG says the economy is in a recession, are you going to cut corners to survive? Will your faith be strong when things get tough, cos they will. Or will you say like Job's wife "Curse God & die." Are you going to hold back on your charity? Are you going to cut back on your attendance in mid week services in an attempt to "make ends meet"?   What's it gonna be?

Then the blessings begin. Reading from verses 24 downwards, there's a list of all the goodies/rewards/bonus points you get for being on God's side.
"Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee: and the light shall shine upon thy ways." Job 22:28 KJV
It's oh so exciting!

The clincher is in verse 30
"He shall deliver the island of the innocent: and it is delivered by the pureness of thine hands."

The pureness of thine hands....

Recession or not, God's got you covered.
Happy New month ladies & gentlemen.

QUEEN ESTHER 2

Once upon a time a woman who I was just meeting for the first time told me that I should  pray against the spirit of being a second wife. Because according to her, the biblical Esther was a second wife and seeing as my name was also Esther...*chuckles*

Just like someone can read the book of Esther and conclude that a man should marry a woman who can pray for at least 1hr (because afterall Esther was a prayer warrior) or a woman who can cook (abi didn't Queen Esther with all her plenty beauty/degrees still cook for her husband/Haman? Does she have two heads?) People have different levels of understanding of the Scriptures.

To each his own. Whatever you believe works for you. No need to berate another because they interpret the Scriptures differently than you do.

OK so previously on "Keeping up with Queen Esther", we already established that she was not only a beauty but character and  brains too.
Here's two more things we can learn from her:

1) Esther was hospitable.
She invited the two people who planned to wipe out her entire family to dinner! (Haman and her husband the king)
Infact her dinner was so good that the Bible says Haman left the dinner that day with joy and a glad heart.(Esther 5:9).
Kill them with kindness.

2) Esther didn't have a revenge plan. She had a plan alright, but it wasn't revenge.
"If I perish, I perish".

Second wife or not, she would forever go down in history as the Queen who saved her people.

QUEEN ESTHER

It's 478 B.C and Esther has just become Queen of Persia.
She will later go on to save her people from total annihilation, hailed for her beauty, poise, remarkable bravery and unwavering faith in God.
But one thing this woman taught me is to learn how to keep your mouth shut.
Mmmm hmm!

We all know how the story goes.
It's Day 2 of the banquet and Esther is finally pleading for her life and that of her people. The king is furious and demands to know who
is responsible for such treachery.

 "And Esther said, The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. Then Haman was afraid before the king and the queen."
Esther 7:5‭-‬6 KJV

Eh?! That was all she said o and the king started to provoke. Very rational and diplomatic response.
Lai lai! If it were me, this was how the conversation would have went.

Oyibo Pepper to the King:
Is it not this wicked Haaman? Very foolish somebody. So you want to act like you don't know what I'm talking about abi? Was it not the both of you that connived to kill my people? Are you not the one that gave him the permission to do so? Just look at the type of people who work for you. So you didn't even know that I'm a Jew, this man sef what do you even know about me?
You see your life now? So that is how I will just die and you will bring another woman to replace me like you did Vashti. You think I did not know that has been your plan all along? You want to bring all those small small girls in your harem into my matrimonial home. It will not work o you hear me!

Or something to that effect...

Queen E didn't even suggest to the King that Haman be punished even though she was well within her rights to do so. She respected her husband's authority and decision on the matter.

Haman never expected it
Esther 100 - 0 Haman.

Well played Esty babe, well played.

GRAMMAR POLICE

On today's episode of "How do I say this without sounding like a condescending know it all?"

Let's get right down to it.
*flashes Grammar Police badge*

1) Did you know that "Am" is not a substitute for " I'm (I am) "?
 On no account should you use them interchangeably.
E.g Am grateful to God (wrong)
       I'm grateful to God (correct)

Pro tip: You cannot use "Am" to start a sentence, a question maybe, but never a sentence.
Am I making sense?

2) Celebration shall not SIEZE in your house (wrong)
Celebration shall not CEASE in your house (correct)

3) Have you ____ paying attention to anything I've ____ saying?
A) been B) being C) beign

Alright, am done.
I'll see myself out.

PONZI SCHEMES, MLM et al

Disclaimer: I apologize in advance for any feathers that might be ruffled as a result of this post, probably going to get some flak too.
*adjusts helmet and anti-riot gear*

My first year of med school (yelz, na only me waka come)...
Where were we?
Ah med school. Yes.
 There was this fantastic business opportunity that was going to make all of us rich in no time. All you had to do was register with a certain amount of money and then find two people to register under you and then.... you already know the rest.
Let's just say it did not end well.
 Even though I didn't invest my money, that incident put me off completely from what I eventually got to know was what they call a Pyramid or Ponzi scheme.

According to Wiki,
 "A Ponzi scheme  is a fraudulent investment operation where the operator, an individual or organization, pays returns to its investors from new capital paid to the operators by new investors, rather than from profit earned through legitimate sources. Operators of Ponzi schemes usually entice new investors by offering higher returns than other investments, in the form of short-term returns that are either abnormally high or unusually consistent."
Sound familiar ?

Of course there are subtle differences between a Ponzi scheme and a Pyramid scheme but that's not why we are gathered here today.

Children of the Most High, they have come again. The thing has worn suit and face cap. Awon multi level marketing. Ndi get rich or die trying.
In this period of recession, they're trying to convince me that all that glitters is really gold, rag to riches story, same old song but with a different tune.

I have questions.
Who is the Oga at the top of this your pyramid? Where is their headquarters located and how do they generate their capital/income? What if I can't convince two more people to come under me? What if the two people under me can't convince two other people? This exponential profit that you say I'm going to make, how legit is it? Who e epp?
Why are you looking at me like that?

See eh. Never in the history of Ponzi schemes has any Ponzi scheme ended well.
No allow make dem use your head take sip garri. You people will not hear.

But I must confess, I have to admire the tenacity with which these guys go after you to join their organization. Their commitment is legendary.

But on the flip side tho, what if love was a Ponzi scheme?

TUMELESS GOD: SPECIALIST IN IMPOSSIBILITIES

"Oh God, make my impact on my generation be far greater than the capacity that is within me."

This was a prayer topic in church yesterday with the anchor verse taken from
Psalm 71:18 KJV
"Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come."

Old age is a time where one is perceived to be frail, having little or strength at all to keep up with the hustle and bustle that is life, a time to retire and rest let the young ones take over.
And the sighting of gray hairs serves as a vivid reminder that old age is upon us, a thing some people dread.
Nobody expects am old man to do much.

But here was the Psalmist pleading with God to use him, even in his old age, to impact his generation and the ones after him.
How enthralling!

If God could use an old man, why can't he use you ?
My fav song when I'm faced with challenges that try to limit God in my life...
'I have no doubt my God can do the impossible.
I know he can; I've seen him do it.
He can turn the mess you're in to an awesome miracle.
I know he can; I've seen him do it.
Whatever problem you've got,
If you just give it to God, he'll work it out.
How do I know?
I've seen him do it.'

Impossible is nothing with God.

Remain blessed.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Did I ever tell you guys about that one time in the university when a roach flew into my ear while I was sleeping?

Haay Fadalaud!
I was freaking out big time, having done all I could to coax/lure/scare the offending insect out of my lughole.
 Crying hysterically (yes I'm a big cry baby, sue me), I phoned a friend. At 3:30am.
Never mind that I had two block mates who lived just next door I could literally hear them breathing, the only person that came to mind was someone who lived one hour away.

Looking back now it's clear to me why I made that call.
I needed someone I knew could calm me down no matter how hysterical I was. Someone I knew would drop everything and come running if ever I was in trouble.

Same friend was my support system when I was in chronic pain from a herniated disc. Went with me to every doctor's appointment, did all my heavy lifting, prayed with/for me and scolded me severely whenever I neglected to wear my neck brace.

We all (should) have that one person in our lives who we can always count on to be there for us.
That friend who would go to war for us and ask questions later. That friend who will call you out on your bullshit. That friend who 110% believes in you. That friend with whom we can totally be ourselves, who understands the things you're not saying.
Heck you may not speak with each other so often  and they probably live a thousand miles away, but when you reconnect it's like no time has passed at all.

If you don't have that type of friend then you should definitely consider being that type of friend.

Let's be honest, friend that has not seen the doctor extract a roach out of your ear before, is that one friend?

CORRUPTION BEGINS WITH ME

On today's episode of "Let's call a spade a spade..."

Corruption begins with me.
Yes you.

I'd never understand those people that lied to their parents about school fees money. Those ones that inflated the prices of their textbooks so that they could get extra "spending money" from their parents.

If you can willfully and intentionally defraud your own parents of money, who is to say you won't/can't do the same to the good people of Nigeria?

Budget padders in training.

Look inward my friend, corruption begins with you.

STORY TIME

On today's episode of "Stories that touch the heart and inflame the liver...."

I am one of those people that used to eat "swallow" (garri/soup) with fork.
It's a habit I picked up mainly because I'm kind of a messy eater and my family members could no longer bear sharing their food with me. 😋
😁

So one day I'm in the cafeteria having a late lunch after having quite a day at work. On this particular day there was no soap at work to decontaminate my hands, just water and my hand sanitizer. I wasn't feeling too comfortable eating 'swallow' with my hands so I requested for a fork.

Halfway into my meal this guy comes up behind me and exclaims "Who is this one eating eba with fork"?
I let out a tired smile and shut my eyes willing him to go away so I could grub in peace.
I open my eyes and he is seated opposite me and has launched into a monologue of how we Nigerians are losing our culture and embracing the white man's culture (case in point, my using a fork to eat eba. Sacrilege!)
                                                             
  He further went on to lament how the Akwa Ibom people have now let the Ibo's take over business in the state and how we are now marrying outsiders who will now come and dilute our culture.
He was particularly upset that the younger generation are not being encouraged to speak their native dialect which puts it in danger of extinction.

Mind you the entire time he was talking, he spoke only in Ibibio, some things he said were lost in translation. When he was done he now asked me what I thought of all  he said (Now it was my turn to watch him eat)

 I started speaking in English and the look he gave me could have turned me into a pillar of salt..

Fast forward to yesterday, I overheard the cab driver saying that " Thank God Anambra state is now producing rice, so that when Buhari finally scatters Nigeria, we in Biafra would eat our rice and the rest of you will eat your crude oil"

Moral of this plenty story ?
Since that fateful day, I have not eaten swallow with fork again, and it's not for lack of trying.
I feel concerned. Have I been bewinched?

KEEPING UP WITH THE MILLENIALS: SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES

Disclaimer: The sexiest thing a married man can say to me is "I'd talk to my wife about it".

On today's episode of "Keeping up with the Millennials..."

Today's word of the day is SUB.

Sub is derived from the word SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE.

According to the Collins dictionary, a subliminal message is a message passed to the human mind without the mind being consciously aware of it.

In other words the message is picked up on by your subconscious even without you being aware that a message has been passed across.
It's a marketing tool usually employed in advertising to get you thinking about their product when you don't even realize you're doing it.

The Urban Dictionary defines a SUB as an underhanded comment directed at a specific person meant to insult/embarrass them publicly on a social networking site (usually Facebook).

If you thought subs just started with this generation. Think again.
Nigerian aunties/mommies have been subbing people since the beginning of time.
For example:

Nigerian mommy to Oyibo Pepper:
Is this how you would be doing in your husband's house? (Translation: When will you marry?)

Nigerian aunty to Oyibo Pepper:
 We are waiting for you to send us to the market o! (Translation: When will you marry?)

Nigerian aunty to Oyibo Pepper:
I'm expecting your card. (Translation: When will you marry?)

It's a beautiful morning people. Go forth and be awesome!

MOSES: A lesson in disobedience

Have you ever wondered if God was a bit too harsh for not allowing Moses to enter the Promise Land because of a little disobedience?

Lemme share a sermon I listened to some 13 years ago about the ten plagues of Egypt.

Plague 2
And the Lord spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch forth thine hand WITH THY ROD over the streams, over the rivers, and over the ponds, and cause frogs to come up upon the land of Egypt.
And Aaron stretched out his HAND over the waters of Egypt; and the frogs came up, and covered the land of Egypt.  And the MAGICIANS did so with their enchantments, and brought up frogs upon the land of Egypt. Exodus 8:5‭-‬7 KJV

So Aaron stretched out only his hands (without his rod) and sure enough the frogs came. But what was the catch? The magicians were still able to do the same thing.

Plague 3
The plague of lice happened just as God said it would  because Moses & Co followed his instructions to the letter and here's the interesting part; the magicians tried to replicate the plague and failed woefully. Exodus 8:16-18

Plague 7
And the Lord said unto Moses, Stretch forth thine HAND toward heaven, that there may be hail in all the land of Egypt, upon man, and upon beast, and upon every herb of the field, throughout the land of Egypt.
And Moses stretched forth his ROD toward heaven: and the Lord sent thunder and hail, and the fire ran along upon the ground; and the Lord rained hail upon the land of Egypt.
Exodus 9:22- 23 KJV

So instead of just sending just hail on the land of Egypt, God sent a mixture of hail/thunder/fire simply because Moses didn't follow instruction to the letter.

Same for the plague of locusts and the turning of Moses rod to a snake...

Till this day I carry the lesson I learnt from that sermon with me.
Partial obedience to God is no obedience at all.

A LETTER FROM GLORIA

On today's episode of "I bet you didn't know that!...."

"Studies show that one in four children have undiagnosed eye problems which can interfere with learning and lead to academic and/or behavioral problems"

Gloria is 8 years old, the only child to a single mom. She is a lively and brilliant girl but her school performance is poor.
She hardly pays attention in class and doesn't copy notes from the chalkboard. Her relationship with her classmates is strained at best as she is usually the butt of their jokes.
 "Olodo rabata!" they'd hail her, everytime she failed to answer the teacher's question in class.
 Her last report card reads; "Gloria is a lovely girl but she is very lazy. She can do better."

I am Gloria.
Right from when I was born my parents noticed there was something wrong with my eyes. I went to the optometrist so many times I lost count, there was no test I didn't do, practically changed lenses every six months because the doctors kept getting it wrong.
My folks, bless their hearts, were determined to get my vision corrected.

"Visual  difficulties  affect  children’s  ability  to  learn (three  times  more  likely  to  fail  at  least  one  grade), resulting in academic  under-achievement  and  risk of reduced  adult  literacy.  This  has  a  significant  impact  on professional and social fulfillment."

I was one of the lucky few.
I didn't let the fact that I couldn't see the chalkboard properly deter me from copying my notes and making excellent grades. I was a nuisance to my seatmates cos I was always leaning over their shoulders to copy their notes, my nose almost making contact with their books.
I always made sure my seat was as close to the board as possible. In Class 5 I practically begged my teacher with tears to let me put my seat in front of the class.
One time in high school at the beginning of a new term, I cried my eyes out when I discovered my seat had been moved to the back. It was a major melt down, my class mates were positively stunned.
Before you laugh at me, I went to a federal school and seating positions were survival of the fittest. I'd never forget it was Chiamaka Chukwuemeka    who calmed me down and somehow I got my front spot back.

"Good eyesight (the ability to read  at a certain  distance which is  tested  in  some  countries)  is  not  the  same  as good  vision."

It was a bit difficult explaining to people my eye problem. It usually involved a lot of words like "myopia", "strabismus", "nystagmus".
When I was younger my parents thought I hated wearing glasses because it didn't look "cool" but in actual fact, all they did was give me a headache.
The question "Why are you not wearing your glasses?" still annoys me to no end.

"  Vision  problems  cause  developmental  difficulties and  have  been  linked  to  anti-social /delinquent  behavior.  In  the  USA,  up  to  70%  of  juvenile  offenders  have undiagnosed vision problems."

I had a lot of coping mechanisms.
In the university, whenever I was walking with my girlfriends, if someone from afar waved at us, one of them would lean closely and whisper the name of the person who was waving so that way my face would register recognition and I could wave back without looking foolish. I really do have amazing friends.

"$269  billion of  productivity  is  lost worldwide due  to uncorrected vision."
I finally learned how to drive this year but I still harbor this fear that my eyesight could get me into a lot of trouble behind the wheel.

"Vision  problems  can  reduce  employees’  performance  by  as  much  as  20%4  and  considerably  affect employment  opportunities, job satisfaction  and  job security."

Dear teacher,
I am not lazy. I really just have a hard time reading the blackboard and it gives me a constant headache. I also feel bad why my class mates call me names.
I could use reading glasses and a little positive reinforcement. Thank you.
                          - Gloria

FACEBOOK FOR DUMMIES: The Ultimate Guide

Hello!
How's your weekend going?
OK so now that you're here, let's talk a little bit about how Facebook works, shall we?
*hits snooze button*

So it has come to my attention that some of you feel like your updates/pictures are not getting the number of Likes/Comments they deserve. You probably feel that your virtual friends/followers ignore your posts so once in a while you come online to threaten to "decongest" your friends list by removing your "ghost" friends/followers.
Your concerns are valid but....

Lemme digress a bit and introduce you to the concept of a Facebook gang. You're probably in one and you ain't even know yet.

A Facebook gang consists of those people whose posts you like all the time. Infact you're so used to liking their posts that these days you just like by default even without reading or seeing it. That is why you can see a video with 3 views and 20 likes in less than 5minutes.

Facebook gang members can always be seen hobnobbing in the comments section of a fellow gang member.

Even Mark Zuckerberg knows you're part of a gang, that's why if you check the "Favorites" section on your profile, you'd see all your gang members listed there. They are the people you interact with the most on this platform.

Pro tip: If you want somebody to like/comment on your posts, you have to like/comment on their own posts first. I don't know how it happens but people always feel obliged to return the favor.

Now back to the original issue. Imagine if the posts of your 1000+ friends appeared on your newsfeed all at once, you'd have a dizzying headache na.
So Facebook has streamlined it in such a way that you only get to see the posts of people that matter. In the sense that the more you interact with a person(either by chatting them up on Msngr or liking their posts or even stalking, sorry I mean following them)
the more you're likely to see their posts on your newsfeed.
Kind of how the real world works.
 
Una good evening.

NETIQUETTE

On today's episode of  *drum roll*
"Netiquette"...
Yes that's an actual word!

Netiquette:
rules about the proper and polite way to communicate with other people when you are using the Internet

BACK STORY: Before I come online to rant about anything, and I mean anything at all, I always consult Google to fact check and educate myself.
So today I wanted to rant about Online decorum and what do you know, my search turned up a new word - Netiquette.
How cool is that?!

Now back to regular programming...
Here are some tips I feel could help all of us get along on this platform sha....

1) Status updates
OK before today, I'd criticise some of y'all grammar/spelling. But then Daddy Zuckerberg reminded me that on this day in 2010, my status update read: "Do long DISTANT relationship work? Yes or No?"
*cringe* *adjusts chair on moral high ground*

I understand not everyone can be creative, subtle, eloquent, witty or dish out sarcasm on their posts. But at least you can use punctuation marks, no?
Reading a status update that has no paragraph or spacing, then to make matters worse everything is typed in lower case letters, is tantamount to visual assault & battery.

** It is rude when you copy someone's update and then at the end of the post you now write #copied without crediting the author.

** Keep your updates as concise as possible. Not everyone has the fortitude for lengthy posts.

2) You can't win 'em all
Let's face facts here, not everyone will agree with you on everything. There'd always be someone with a contrary opinion. Learn to be accommodative and be open to criticism/new ideas. Know when to walk away.
 Not everytime Facebook militant aka cyber bully.
On the flip side, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

3) The internet never forgets.
If you think nobody sees your posts(judging by the number of likes you get), try posting a nude picture of yourself by 2am). Na there you go know say monitoring spirits are real.
Make sure you can defend whatever you say online.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Today you are the cyber bully, tomorrow it may be your turn on the hot seat.

4) Disclaimer: You see those people that add you to groups without your consent or those that tag you in posts/pictures you have no business being in? *reels out expletives*

P.S for those of y'all wondering, the word is  long DISTANCE relationship.
Thanks for reading.

PROFILING & THE NIGERIAN POLICE

Disclaimer: "Watching Grey's Anatomy doesn't make you a doctor any more than standing in a garage makes you an automobile."

Today's word of the day is PROFILING.

I'm a TV show junkie. I'd pick staying at home, watching reruns of The Good Wife over going to the cinema to see the latest installment of Fast & Furious anytime, anyday.
I particularly like legal/detective shows, mainly because of the psychological component. Plus you get to learn cool phrases like "unsub", "APB", "BOLO", etc
It was on one of such shows, Criminal Minds to be exact, that I picked up on the word "Profiling"

Profiling, according to Merriam Webster, is the act or process of learning information about someone based on what is already known.
In the legal system it is the act or practice of regarding particular people as more likely to commit crimes because of their appearance, race, etc.

Which is why it's more likely that the police will pull you over for a stop and search if you are a black male wearing skinny/ripped jeans with an afro.
It's also why when as a Nigerian, you go to the American embassy to obtain a visa, you're made to go through the most stringent protocols.

Now back to the police.
These days whenever I approach a police checkpoint, my heart races a little.
Maybe it's because just last month an army officer waved his gun at us in traffic because we dared to question him.
Or maybe it's because of that one time Road Safety officials detained our car on Ore road because they claimed the tires had expired. Meanwhile they watched as this rickety trailer with thick black smoke billowing from the exhaust and clearly overloaded with goods drove past us. Who road worthiness don epp?

The most recent happened as we were approaching Port Harcourt. We were asked to present the vehicle papers which were all complete or so we thought.
Next thing the officer asks for the "receipt of our license plate" because according to him, people have started stealing license plates.
Oya now, when we couldn't produce it he asked us to settle them with 5K or else the car would be detained. No amount of "Oga I beg" would make the young man change his mind so we just sat down quietly and waited for them to do their worst.
When he saw we weren't budging, his superior now came to make nice with us by offering to marry me. And that's how we were let go.

Moral of this story?
I don't know when they started asking for receipt of license plate but does anyone have an idea of the complete list of documents one is supposed to present to Road safety officials and the Police at check points to avoid future intimidation and harassment?
Thank you.

NIGERIAN FACTOR

Disclaimer: The following post is heavily stereotyped. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental or not.

On today's episode of "Things Nigerians do that stress me out"

MONEY
A Nigerian with mint Naira notes is like a spoilt kid with a new toy; they don't want to share.
Nigerians are so fond of hoarding mint Naira notes that if they manage to part ways with that money, they'd quarrel with you for giving them dirty money as change.

RADIO SHOWS
Nigerian OAP: *in epileptic accent*
Please turn down the volume of your radio set before calling into the show
Nigerian listener: *calls in with stereo turned all the way up* Hello? Can you hear me?

DIRECTIONS
God forbid a Nigerian ever admits to not knowing the answer to something.
"Aunty when you get to the T junction, turn left and keep going till you see the red chapel, then ask anybody from there they will direct you"
😥

PRAYER
Nigerian: You're not praying o, I can't hear you
Translation: You're not shouting loud enough.

TIME
Time is just a suggestion.
We all know we're gonna be late to that event, it's just a matter of how late.
10am prompt and the bride is nowhere to be found.

VOICEMAIL
GLO: 0803XXX just sent you a Voice SMS. Please dial 115 to listen to it.
Oyibo Pepperr:  *dials 115*
 *listens to 1minute of heavy breathing and indistinct shuffling*
GLO: 4Naira has been deducted from your account.
FFS!

STATUS UPDATE
Nigerian: Why do bad things happen to good people? *insert sad emoticon* #feelingsad.
Concerned(Amebo) Nigerian 1: Sorry love, what happened?
Nigerian: *vague silence*
Amebo Nigerian 2: Inbox dear.
Me: Just negodu!
 
           
                     <<end of rant>>

YOU'VE GOT TIME

Thinking out loud:
I don't believe that giving a child double(or single) promotion in school is in his/her best interest.
Getting an education is not just about making good grades, I wish some people would understand that.
A child can be intellectually dominant yet still be emotionally and psychologically deficient.
Imagine a 14 year old within the four walls of a university. Outside academics he cannot socially mingle with his "peers" for obvious reasons.
Smart as he may be, has to work twice as hard to prove that he deserves to be there.
His character flaws might be overlooked because afterall he's smart enough to handle himself.
So there's the danger of "passing through the school but the school did not pass through you"
 «««««««««««««»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»

This morning Isabella stuck out her tongue for me to wash her teeth. This was a first.
I usually have to burst into song to coax her to even open her mouth to let me brush it. On a very good day, I just hold her down and have my way with her.

She's just 2 years old but she inspires me so.
There was a time you could barely get her to sit still during morning devotion, but now it's just fascinating watching her sit in her position without any prompting, singing with gusto and paying rapt attention to what is being said. She's even coveted the responsibility of sharing the hymn books.
Sometimes I catch her talking to herself and when I get closer I can hear her reciting what she learnt in school during the day. She'd even go as far as interjecting the part where her teacher told her to keep quiet and pay attention😄 She's smart like that.

She's a constant reminder that growth is a process, a time bound process. Whenever I start to fidget and worry over stuff like career , health or marriage, I have to constantly remind myself to "GIVE IT TIME"

Bisi Adewale writes:
Time tests Love and proves it.
Time tests businesses and authenticates it. Time tests spirituality and reveals it.
Time, a good tester.
Don’t say that NEPA in your area is now the best
until you have GIVEN IT TIME.
Your Uncle or Father told You that you are useless and worthless and can’t amount to
anything, just laugh it away and ask them to
GIVE YOU TIME.
Quote me… Consistency with time is the true
test of Efficiency.
Time is a tester.
Time is an AUTHENTICATOR
Time is a REVEALER
TIME IS STILL A MATTER.
Thanks for giving this long piece your TIME.

My name is Oyibo Pepper and I write to inspire learning.

The Young Physician and Social Media

On today's episode of "Study medicine they said, it'd be fun they said...."
The Young Physician and Social Media.

1630 Hours.
Children Emergency Unit.

"Good evening Dr Esther"
The confusion is apparent on my face as I struggle to put a name to the face of the beautiful woman who seemed to know me well enough to call me by my name.
"I know you don't know me", she says smiling, "I'm your friend on Facebook and I used to read your write ups even before you became Oyibo Pepper"
And on and on she went; introducing me to her family members present.

There I was smiling from ear to ear.
All of a sudden I didn't feel so tired anymore. It was going to be a good call.

I don't know about people who claim that Facebook isn't real life but I know it has its bearings there.
As a health professional one has to be mindful of the image one projects on social media. Your patients(or future boss for that matter) just might be watching.

If the world was a global village before, the advent of social media has turned it into your backyard..

BE MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU  SAY/DO ON SOCIAL MEDIA
 ** If you've had a really bad day at work, say maybe a difficult patient or your senior talked down at you, don't come straightaway and rant about it on social media. Blow off steam elsewhere.

** Speaking of patients, do not use your patients to preach/rant online. If you really must use an experience with a patient to pass across valuable information then be discreet about it.

** When passing across medical information online, try not to sound like a high handed condescending know it all. Your patient may not know that pavor noctornus is the technical term for what he believes to be witches from his village pressing him at night and it's your duty to inform/educate him.

** Ensure that any info you share online is accurate, up to date and relevant to your clime.

** If you must take selfies or pictures at work, try and keep your patients(or anything that can identify them) out of the frame.

** Don't go about undermining or  bringing down the reputation of your professional colleagues. Sometimes the diagnosis is really just malaria/typhoid.

Thinking Out Loud

Disclaimer: "You're an extremely beautiful girl with extremely ugly diagrams.
        - my histology lecturer in 2010

 I apologize in advance for the sweeping generalization(s) in this post.

"Let's have a staff meeting and discuss the things that must happen but never actually happen."
          - as seen on Facebook.
Or like my colleagues at work will say; "too much activity, no productivity".
That's Nigeria for you

The average Nigerian is an intellectual. He has brilliant and lofty ideas on how to move the country foward and can even produce a lengthy Facebook post/rant to elucidate his well thought out opinions and possible resolutions to the country's problems. À la Facebook pundit.

The average Nigerian loves the sound of his own voice. Or in common parlance, he's a wailer a.k.a "I told you so". He loves to point out how corrupt the current government is yet he hasn't paid workers in his employ for months, evades paying taxes and still pays bribe to import frozen chicken.
The corruption of need versus the corruption of greed.

The average Nigerian is a dreamer.
He is a proponent of Change.
No, he doesn't own a voters card.

The average Nigerian is a comedian. His ability to turn practically anything into a running joke/meme is but one of his many survival mechanisms in a country that is determined to break his spirit.

The average Nigerian is very religious, low key tribalistic too. Yet the roads are littered with pockets of refuse, potholes, and officers of the law who have long lost touch with what it means to serve and protect.

To be honest I've forgotten where I was going with all of this...

Teacher Appreciation

Disclaimer: Gender equality is when as a woman I'm allowed to seat in the front row during services/meetings never mind that my hot legs might distract the faithful brothers/husbands. No?
 I mean you don't see me running commentary every time I notice your bulge. Please shift.

I remember the very first time I wrote something I was proud of . It was my first year of senior secondary school and my English teacher, Mrs Akpojewa had given the class an essay topic as a take home assignment.
When she was done grading the assignment, she asked me to read my essay out loud to the whole class. Apparently it was that good.
Half the entire class was convinced that my mother had written the essay for me (she was an English teacher at the time).
I couldn't be bothered really, I was just so excited that someone found my writing commendable.
I rode on that high for weeks and it did wonders for my confidence levels.
Conversely in my final year in junior secondary school, I had this particularly interesting Introductory Technology teacher. Her style was that if you messed up in class, you got whacked on the head or hands with a wooden T square. I was her usual victim because, wear glasses Esther will not wear and so all my drawings were always off.
She was the one who nicknamed me "Unfortunate European"
She scared me so much so that by the time JSSCE came around, I was very sure that I wasn't going to do Intro Tech in my SS1 because she was the one teaching the class as well. Bye bye Civil Engineering dreams. Sorry Dad.

Today I remember and appreciate all my teachers, who in their own way, unbeknownst to them, have influenced me and left lasting impressions in my life that have extended beyond the four walls of a classroom. You are the real MVP's, our unsung heroes. God bless you for your commitment to shaping our future.

Mbok permit me to dish out some unsolicited advice to those of you going for NYSC in October. If you find yourself posted to a school, please do me a favor and capitalize on the opportunity to make a difference in the younger generation. Give it your best.
And if you were one of those students who gave teachers hell in school....abeg my ink don finish.

Scripture Challenge: Keep Calm

Day 8 of #ScriptureChallenge

I said, “I will guard my ways, Lest I sin with my tongue; I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle, While the wicked are before me.” I was mute with silence, I held my peace even from good; And my sorrow was stirred up. My heart was hot within me; While I was musing, the fire burned.
Then I spoke with my tongue: “ Lord , make me to know my end, And what is the measure of my days, That I may know how frail I am.
Psalms 39:1-4 NKJV

Over the past week I've been watching with growing angst as people have come online to post dissertations and counter dissertations on the merits and demerits of church doctrine(tithing & marriage to be precise).
Lord knows I was this close on calling some people out here on Facebook but I saw something on Heather Lindsey's page that made me have a rethink.
"Lord teach us to war on our knees and not on social media."
Not everytime Facebook militant, sometimes keep calm and weigh your words.
Isn't it interesting that with all that was going on around him, when it was finally time to speak the only person he was interested in talking to was God.
It is not for nothing they say that silence is golden. Abeg who no like gold?

Remain blessed.

Scripture Challenge: Don't skip the process

Day 10 of #ScriptureChallenge

My Dad thinks I spend an inordinate amount of time braiding my hair. He's not entirely wrong, I really do have a head full of hair. Hmm...I wonder who I inherited that from.

Now the news in full...
I was just musing to myself the other day (apparently I have too much free time on my hands these days) on the hazardous situations  females face when braiding their hair. You know that part where we have to dip our braids into steaming hot water while trusting that our hair stylist would not accidentally empty the hot water on us. Very risky something.

You see, the hot water serves to make the braids more flexible and to give it a more polished and refined look.

In the same vein, at certain times in our lives God will also "dip us into hot water" in order to produce a more refined you.
Romans 5:3-5 says
.... we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Don't skip the process..

Standards

Anyone who knows my old man knows he is a "Safety first" conscious type of person.
So you can imagine his agitation  the first time he tried using public transportation to get around on his own in Port Harcourt.
The story goes that he boarded a commercial bus and sat in front with the driver. Then he started looking for the seat belt to put on(of course there was none).
Then apparently at the next bus stop he boarded a taxi this time and balanced in the front seat, only to be told "Oga na two passengers we dey carry for front"
Needless to say he was the only passenger that rode in front and we all had a good laugh out of it in the end.

Now the news in full.
You speak good English, they say you're doing oversabi grammarian.
You speak with an accent, they say you're forming "fone"
You want to eat garri&soup with fork&knife? E be like say you no get home training.
You school abroad, they say it's because your parents have plenty money.
You come back home acting all shiny and polished, they say you're carrying shoulder up cos you went abroad.
You ask for simple courtesy & respect in your relationship, they label you an angry feminist.
Ngwanu you say you cannot marry a man who doesn't work in Chevron, they tag you a "materialistic gold digger"

Excuse you?
Who standards don epp?
God forbid that you have high expectations in this Nigeria sef.
You want to shame me on top of it.
Oya all of you should come and be going.

P.S my old man still rides shotgun anytime he's using public transportation and best believe if there's a seatbelt, he's wearing that too.

             <<end of rant>>

Abusive Relationships

There are two kinds of house guests; the ones who take off their shoes at the door and the ones who don't have the fear of God in them.

On today's episode of "Stories that touch the heart and inflame the liver"

These days being in a Whatsapp group is akin to being in an abusive relationship.
Because there is no logical explanation as to why one group chat will generate 400 notifications in less than 2 hours because a group of people have decided to turn the chat room into their beer parlor.

The one wey dey pain me pass be say all the photos/videos generated from the group now get saved in my gallery.
As if it's not enough that you are draining my battery😬

Who mute button don epp? (I really need to stop saying this "don epp" thing)
This is not the change we voted for(which is why 80% of the group chatter consists of tales of woe of the APC led administration. Just mention "Buhari" and all decorum goes out the window)

The worst part is, I can't leave.
Do you guys think I need couples therapy ?

If I Were A Boy

Disclaimer: The following post is heavily stereotyped. Any non resemblance to persons living or dead is not a cause for alarm.

On today's episode of "If I were a boy..."

"Who removed my XYZ from where I kept it!?"
This was usually the headline of any quarrel we had, my Dad & I.
My father's voice would boom from his room as he made his way angrily down the corridor while I scampered past him to go and find whatever object he was looking for as I was the usual suspect.
It never mattered how meticulous my Dad was at keeping his things, I  was always moving things around in his room/study because nothing was ever neat enough or arranged well enough for me. Chalk it up to my borderline OCD.

It took me awhile but I learnt eventually that if a man keeps something someplace, even if he goes for 100 years and comes back, he will still know where to find that thing even in the dark(except a woman has moved it of course😃)

** Another thing that fascinates me about men is how practical they can be. If a man wants to buy a blue shirt with yellow buttons, he simply walks into a store, picks a blue shirt with yellow buttons, pays for it and leaves. I know right?! Easy peasy!

** A (good) man is not a tattletale.

** I always admire how men find it easy to get along with each other irrespective of age or social strata especially when it comes to discussing football and politics.
But the one for which men will always have my respect is their maturity in handling conflicts. I have watched men have arguments so heated that I feared for their friendships. But no matter the disagreement, it's nothing that cannot be resolved over a bottle of beer. At the end of the day, its all bants. Hats off to you guys.

** You know how the right amount of alcohol can make any girl look beautiful? Just the right amount of intelligence/wit can make any man look sexy. Argue with the exchange rate.

** And let's face it, your unique ability to pee by the side of the road is err.....

        <<end of rant>>

Patient Participation In Health Care

Disclaimer: "If they don't watch Zee world and Telemundo in your house, you don't know what the Lord has done for you."

On today's episode of "Study medicine they said, it'd be fun they said..."

During my labour ward rotation, one of the routine questions I got to ask the women I encountered
was if they were aware of or had ever done a Pap smear. 99.99% of the time, I usually received answers in the negative.
But perharps what was most interesting to me was that none of these women ever paused to ask me what a Pap smear was.
Like aren't you even the least bit curious aunty ?

Or the time I asked a grown ass woman what drugs she was allergic to, and her response was that she doesn't know the name of the drugs that it's only her husband that knows because he's a pharmacist. Hian!
Some of you don't even know the names of the drugs you are taking talk less of why.
It's not good o!

As a patient, it is imperative that you participate actively in the decision making process with regards to your health.
It is your duty, what am I saying sef? It is your right to be well informed about your health condition, the treatment options available, costs, benefits and consequences associated with the proposed treatment plan. All these should  be explained to you by your health care provider(yes, this includes the chemist and nurses in your local pharmacy). We are all accountable to and for you.
It has been shown to improve health outcomes.

Note to self: Sometimes I get irritated and on the defensive when a patient starts questioning the line of treatment but it ought not to be so.

Keep personal health records. They could come in handy someday.
When in doubt, you're at liberty to seek a second and even a third professional opinion.
Finally, please don't confuse your Google search with my medical degree.

   Class dismissed.

Product Reviews, Star ratings and the Nigerian factor

Fun Fact: Dear Nigerian driver, did you know that you can allow another driver to enter your lane in traffic, it doesn't mean that he has overtaken your destiny.

On today's episode of "I cannot kill myself and come and die."

I hate shopping online on Nigerian websites for one reason only. There are hardly any customer product reviews or star ratings to work with.
Product reviews is a system that helps potential buyers make an informed decision about the product they wish to purchase.
These reviews are basically evaluation/feedback left by customers who have purchased (and used) the product before, usually in the form of comments and star ratings. Reviews can be positive or negative.

It's a win win situation; for the seller because good reviews help improve their rankings and drive sales upwards, and for the buyer because it helps you know what you're getting yourself into.
On the overall it increases trust between both parties.

I live for online reviews. I review everything from the series I watch down to the apps I download.
I can get stuck rummaging through online reviews just so I can be thoroughly informed on what I intend to purchase.

So let me tell you guys about this wonderful site I happened upon earlier this year Hotels.ng. They are an online hotel booking agency in Nigeria. Their service was impeccable with very professional staff. And their prices are unbelievable! Tell a friend to tell a friend, Oyibo Pepper said so.

And that my dear children is how you leave a review.

Fremdschämen: The Curse Of Second Hand Embarrasment

Fremdschämen: the process of being vicariously embarrassed by another’s actions.

As if being weird is not enough, I suffer from a severe case of what Oyibo people call Second hand embarrassment.
In other words, I feel embarrassed on behalf of other people. I can't bear to watch people in embarrassing situations, even on TV shows!
You'd literally see me cringing in my seat and covering my face on days when the choir can't decide which key they want to stay on.

Or like the time I was having lunch at Eka Udoh and this guy comes to share my table. Five minutes later he says to me "Your watch is fine". To which I reply with a knowing smile  "Ah yes, thank you".
And that was it o. Awkward silence. Game over. Dude!!

Or how about those poor souls that crack jokes and have to laugh at their own jokes because nobody gets it.

It's the same way I feel about people who don't get sarcasm or innuendos.
Cuts me deep to my soul. Nobody deserves that.

**Eka Udoh is a popular joint in Akwa Ibom State.

Rant 101

There are three things that potentially stress me out. The fourth is just outright annoying.
1) A bad weave
2) Acne (don't ask me whether it's the stress that brings on the acne or vice versa)
3) Dandruff
4) Those people that use Whatsapp group chats as their beer parlor. How can I wake up to 500 unread messages and a drained battery in less than 6hours??

I can never understand females who go about with tangled weavon. As per you and your hair brush are keeping malice or what?
Ever heard the term "I got my hair laid"? Laid being the operative word here.
The urban dictionary defines it as "When someone's hair looks really good because it is pressed or flat-ironed to the point of satisfaction to viewers of the hair"
Speaking of well pressed hair. You people need to stop this thing where you leave out doesn't blend with your weave. That thing is not sexy mbok. Invest in a flat iron.

For me puberty came and went but the acne stayed. With it came self esteem issues that lingered for awhile.
You ovulate. Acne. You eat groundnut. Acne. You use the wrong cosmetic product. Acne.
People are constantly reminding you not to touch your face else you'd "make it worse".
Your bath sink is cluttered with cosmetic products that claim to be pore cleansing or target blackheads. All na scam
But at the end of the day, you're still a ridiculously fine girl and that's all that really matters, am I right or am I right. Hehe

It grinds my gears when people say  dandruff is a result of poor hygiene.
Please I am not a dirty girl. I'd pay good money to get the everlasting cure for dandruff .
Thanks & God bless.

Ethnic Resentment

Disclaimer:
"When people assume I'm Yoruba and speak it to me, I reply in Igbo since they want to reenact scenes from the Tower of Babel."
                             -@PyjamasRich

"Stop behaving like Etinan people."
That's what my momma would say to keep me in check anytime I started behaving like the devil's spawn. I never really understood what she meant by that but I'd be so butt hurt every time she said it, I'd immediately revert to my default settings.

Up until now.
I've lived in Uyo for close to three months now and from my interactions, a lot of people are pleasantly surprised to learn that I'm an Ibibio woman. Then I tell them I'm from Etinan LGA and I can see the subtle change in their expression, like someone poured them a bucket of cold water.

 Well imagine my bewilderment earlier today while speaking with a learned friend and I casually mentioned I was from Etinan, the first word that left his mouth was "Eh?!" (mind you this person is not from Akwa Ibom o).
So apparently, according to him, we are notorious for witchcraft and our women don't value their marriage.
Wonderful.

Ethnic resentment.
See the thing about this ethnic resentment of a thing, it's so deeply rooted yet so subtle you barely notice it's there, not until the person you've been dating for close to four years wakes up one morning to tell you that his parents won't sanction his marrying anyone but an Anambra lady. Toh
It pops up in words like "Federal Character", "Catchment area", "Biafra"....and you just wonder, why so much venom?

If you chose to form an opinion of me based on where I come from without getting to know me first,  chale I've got news for you: It is not me you are doing, you are doing yourself.

P.S enough with the moon jokes already. The only other thing worse than ethnic resentment is the religious kind.

                      <<end of rant>>

Who Gambling Don Epp?

There are two vices that have slowly taken hold of young men in our Nigerian society today, so much so the statistics(if they are anything to go by) would alarm you. I'm talking about drugs and gambling.

You know there was a time when it was the "wayward" boys that did drugs. Well not anymore.
It has become a fast growing culture in our universities.
What's more, as a society we are ill equipped to handle these addicts as evidenced by the paucity of drug rehab centers in the country. I mean who needs rehab centers when there are deliverance ministers who can cast the evil spirits out.
I digress but what's up with young men and the bushy unkempt hair they keep these days? I hate to stereotype but you'd have to be on drugs to be seen on the streets looking like a scruffian. Pfft.

Then there's the gambling(aka betting). Bet9ja franchises are practically springing up on every street corner these days and they have no want for customers esp when European football is on TV. The amount of money these lads spend in these betting centres and online on a weekly basis would damn near give you an aneurysm.
Correct me if I'm wrong but nobody ever got filthy rich off betting.
Or in Nigerian parlance, who gambling don epp?

Domestic Violence

Disclaimer: "If a marriage is dead, give it a decent burial".

Ronke Shonde.
The name that spurred a thousand and one think pieces on Facebook.
This month's poster child for domestic violence.
And another one bites the dust...

I mean what I say when I say that the highest form of psychological torture is staying married to a person you have to endure.
I shudder each time to think of the number of Nigerian women who 'exist' in abusive marriages simply because they are afraid of what society would say if they spoke out or left.

And boy! Society really does have plenty to say.
Your pastor tells you to pray and submit to your abusive husband. Afterall the church does not believe in divorce (or separation)
Your mother tells you not to do things to "trigger" his anger.
Facebook relationship pundits tell you to go and watch War Room.
The police don't have your back, the law isn't on your side either.

In a society where marriage is a status symbol and divorce is frowned upon, what you are is helpless/stuck/afraid.

I'm no authority on the subject of domestic abuse but I'd say this one thing, if you are in an abusive relationship(emotional, psychological or physical), my dear sister pack your load and find the nearest exit.

Save yourself. A little selfishness never hurt any body.
If that man maims or worse kills you, Facebook will rant about it for max one week and it would be on to the next sensational headline..
They would hold one minute silence in your honor, and even then some people will use fifteen seconds out of that one minute to cough and clear their throat.
The kids you were desperately holding onto your marriage for are going to be left in the care of relatives or God forbid your good for nothing husband(and his new wife)
You would become another statistic. Another cautionary tale.



End. Of. Rant.

Gender Equality and What Not

Disclaimer: This is not a feminist post.

There are few things I fear in this life, some even more than others. But there is one thing I really do dread, and that's being trapped in a marriage I have to endure.
Note that I didn't say loveless marriage. It stops my heart cold just thinking about it.

In the past couple of weeks I have had several occasions to speak with a couple of guys about my profession and the obscene amount of hours I spend at work. It was rather interesting to observe that none of them cared to ask what my plans for my career were or how I hoped to achieve the peak of my career.

Nosiree! Instead what I got asked was "So how will you be cooking for your husband if you spend this much time at work"? You know because afterall a woman's education ends in the kitchen, bent over a pot of soup.

One of them went as far as saying how dissapointed he was in me because I said I wouldn't put my career on hold so my husband can pursue his.
Of course I said that to get a rise out of him but why does the woman always have to make the most sacrifice/compromise in a marriage? What stops both of us from pursuing our careers?

Then when they see you are making sense with your arguments, they try to whack you over the head with the portion of Scripture about submission, role reversal and Armageddon.

Or maybe the real issue here is that I need to re evaluate the breed of men I interact with.

        <<end of rant>>

The Christian Doctor

In simple terms, a Doctor is one who cares for a sick person-though the medical dictionary give a detailed explanation of a medical doctor. I am not going to use that because, we all use the simple terms in our everyday lives.

Some may wonder why this is titled, 'The Christian Doctor.'

Generally doctors do a lot of things especially in the medical field.  I'd say they do the following:

1) They are Entertainers: It's not the kind are thinking about right now. They are "known to extend hospitality towards others." Thus, they always meet people from the low and high ranks of life.

2) They are Listeners: At least for one person, a doctor has 20 minutes to listen to what they have to say. They also hear sounds through a technique called Auscultation.

3) They use their Hands: They use their hands to touch, feel, hold, palpate and percuss.

4) They use their Eyes: They are observers. A good eye sight is essential to a doctor.

5) They use their Mouth: They tell you a summary of what they see, think, feel and know.

It would be interesting to say they have got five special senses at work, of course it is not extraordinary to any man; however my story is just beginning!

Now let's go back to why it's  titled a 'Christian Doctor' - some may stop reading from here because it is pointless for them to see that Christianity is involved in Medicine; afterall what has Christ got to do with being a Doctor? Or  what has being a Christian got to do with being a Doctor?  Oh dear friend, I am not here to preach a  sermon.


Entertainer: A Doctor is a receptive and friendly person. Have you met an unfriendly doctor?  I bet you won't let him/her treat you. Generally, everyone is comfortable with a  friendly person, they take you for a  friend and not a foe.

How is your reception to others? Are they comfortable around you? Aspiring, in progress or already a doctor -are you friendly to people? How do you react when you meet people for the first time? Do they feel relaxed or tensed? Do they take you as a friend?  How do patients feel when you attend to them?

Are you receptive to the Holy Spirit? Do you allow Him working with you? Do you always grief Him or you don't even remember to invite Him for ward rounds or outpatient consultation?
As a Christian Doctor, you cannot function properly in your medical field without the help of the Holy Spirt.


Listener:  I can tell you the best listener in my life is God. My biological father is also a good listener, I admire his patience with my talkativeness. A doctor is meant to be a good listener. If you are patient, you will be good at listening and will be attention even to  the unspoken words of your patients.

Have you met a Dr. that does most of the talking; his patients aren't really comfortable with him/her. The patients will always feel left out and sometimes seek help elsewhere. People around this doctor  may feel intimidated because they never get to share their opinions. This extends to working with team mates and other professionals. Do you listen when people talk? How well do you listen? Sometimes we miss a point in a case history because we never pay attention or we just talked too much.

I know that old people or talkative patients tell so much stories, but you just have to be patient.

Dear Dr. are you listening to the Holy Spirit? A consultation could take a different dimension with the direction of God just to save a soul.  Don't be drained by the external noise. Ask God for ears that will be attentive to His Words.


 Hands: Doctors will think about palpation when I speak of hands. I have got a different rhema for hands as a doctor.  Now gifted hands don't just touch! Many things happen when you touch someone-they feel and there's power in touching somebody. They say children that are "cuddled"are not  as anxious as those that aren't. Touch signifies acceptance in some cases.

As a child of God, your hands are blessed. They are gifted. Healing takes place when you touch, not because you are the best but because Christ lives in you. Ever wondered why Jesus most times touched those He healed? The power of the Holy Spirit works through us as Christians. Your hands are gifted....use them well.


Eyes: Observation! Great Observers! It is not only a psyche that tells you five things about yourself before you sit down. A doctor can observe your entire being while you sit with him/her. I hail the Psychologists and Psychiatrists for their jobs, they are sensitive to people. Surgeons need good eyes to see properly. Aspiring, in progress or already a surgeons, please don't forget to ask for good eyes.

When you observe, don't jump into conclusions. Sometimes it is not what you see that's always right; sometimes you need an inner eye to see beyond the surface. Don't judge a book by its cover.

What do you see as a Christian Doctor when a patient comes to you? Do you see a lost and hopeless being or someone who is a potential citizen of heaven? Do you see hope or you see fear? How you approach someone matters a lot. Do you see a woman who needs counselling and guidance? Do you see a need?


Mouth: Talking, asking questions and making diagnosis. Be careful what you say with your mouth. How you tell a diagnosis to a patient matters. I have seen patients go crazy over how a doctor speaks with them. You may be rash or gentle; if you cannot  put it in a less devastating way- Ask God to help you.

Ever heard of whispered prayers- a prayer said infront of a patient under your breath can save a situation.
Before you say anything that will cost your whole being-say a prayer.

Prayer is the key! Don't forget to be prayerful as a Doctor. A complicated delivery of a child, say a prayer.

We do not have hopeless situations as Christian doctors, we do not look at the things which are seen; but the things which are not seen. Yes the patient is likely to pass on, but to what part of eternity? The words you speak during the last hours of the patient can save a soul from eternal condemnation.


Medicine is a marvellous profession and calling. Sometimes it is the extraordinary things you do that makes you a great doctor. You cannot get that anywhere except with God.
Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge the Lord!

Make use of what the Lord has given you.

Yours truly,
The Village Doctor
~drweyoms

Heartbreak : Life goes on

Do you know the worst thing about heartbreak ? Life goes on. The world doesn't stop one second for your grief.
You wake up every morning to tear drenched pillows because apparently you have been crying in your sleep. Nerve-racking, Sweat-inducing, Soul-crushing tears.

You go to work, the mall, church and everybody is going about their business. It's like nobody sees the physical pain you're in. And how can they see, when you have this fake smile plastered on your face. The ones who know don't really understand how you feel. They wouldn't understand even if you explained it to them. Heck you can't even explain it to yourself.
It's like someone reached into your chest and ripped your heart out. But that would mean you'd be dead, right ? So why then does it feel like you've been run over by a thousand trains a thousand times over?

You just want to be alone, in your bed, with your thoughts. Their well meaning show of concern and platitudes disgust you.
"He's in a better place"; "You'd find somebody more deserving of you"; "God knows best"; "I know how you feel"...
What you feel is numb.

Which slowly progresses to anger. And if you let it, that anger eats deep into you for a while and colors your outlook on life , jeopardizing your other relationships . You swear you'd never let anyone get close enough to hurt you like that ever again.

But all you feel is empty. You miss him. You ask God to bring him back to you. You promise to be good, to give more to the needy and participate in every church activity. But deep down you know nothing can ever bring him back.
All you have now are memories.

You woke up this morning to dry and fluffy pillows. It doesn't hurt so bad anymore .
Life really does go on.

WaZoBia

My mom has two super powers for when she goes to the market.
In addition to her native dialect, she can speak Yoruba and Hausa.
Why is this a super power you may ask?
Because the price of 1kilo of carrot can drop drastically from N400/kilo to N250/kilo just because mom spoke Hausa to the mallam that sells the carrot .

Even more impressive is that if she happens to meet an Igbo seller in the market, they start bargaining with her in Ibo language, wrongly assuming that she is an Igbo woman because apparently she looks like one (I get that all the time too). Sometimes she has to apologize that she isn't Igbo, other times she plays the situation like a true Igbo woman.😁

But perharps the greatest super power/ bargaining chip she has is ME.
"My customer is this your daughter? Oyibo Nigeria! My color! She's so fine."
"Yes o. She's a medical doctor now."
"Is that so! Wow my dear congratulations o. Nne come and sit down you hear, make them no stain this your color..."
*yada yada yada*

Needless to say we left that shop with a generous discount that day.

Love Expressions

The villagers swore she'd never have a child of her own.
And for a while she didn't.
Even the most modern of medicine couldn't explain it.

Watch her expression soften as she recalls the first time she found out she was pregnant with you.
Listen to her tell you how her water broke barely seven months into the pregnancy and she had to stay in the hospital till it was safe for you to come out.
You can almost feel her pain as she tries to describe how agonizing her contractions were....felt like she was being torn apart she says, as you came out of her..
There was blood. So much blood.

She can recall the name of every doctor and nurse that was on duty that night.
She'd tell you how your father tried to watch the delivery perched on a window because they wouldn't let him enter into the labour room. And how a doctor eventually caught and hauled him away, amid vehement protests.
You both laugh.


And the first time she held you in her arms, in that very moment, she understood what true love felt like.

A Pot Of Afang Does Not A Calabar Woman Make - The Rant

Disclaimer: The following rant was inspired by Arit Okpo's BellaNaija article "A Pot Of Afang Does Not A Calabar Woman Make"

There are four things Nigerians typically associate with people from Akwa Ibom/Calabar:
1) Ekaette i.e house help
2) Dog meat. We love us some 404
3) Edikaikong soup. If you haven't eaten edikaikong, you haven't lived. I don't make the rules.
4) Bedroom Olympics. Now this is where things get a bit crazy.

For the purpose of this conversation (and all the stereotypes that go with it), my use of the phrase 'Calabar  woman" shall include my Efik, Ibibio, Anang and northern cross riverian sisters.

So you tell a young man that you are from Calabar, next thing you know he's asking when you can come to his house to cook Afang soup.
The more daring ones will ask straight up "So you sabi do the thing wella abi" and you can feel them mentally undressing you with their eyes. Sigh.

But there's more to a Calabar girl than a pot of afang soup and as for the other thing, I can't speak on behalf of us all.
However let me tell you what years of observation and association with Calabar women has taught me.

1) A Calabar woman is the perfect hostess. She can kill you with love (and food). Leave matter for Matthias, a Calabar woman will go all out to make you feel comfortable, relaxed and at home.
2) They don't joke when it comes to food. Nothing is done in half measures. They prefer to prepare their meals from scratch with fresh ingredients through and through.
3) Calabar women are neat freaks. My God! I am yet to meet a "dirty" one. They abhor dirtiness and untidiness, it's almost borderline OCD.
4) Maybe it's just me, but I have discovered that Calabar women who speak another language other than Efik/Ibibio, it's usually always Yoruba. I find it fascinating.
5) A Calabar woman pays attention to detail and is usually very eloquent and graceful.
6) Did I forget to mention that we have really gorgeous women this side of the planet.

Happy New month!