HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 8

On today's episode of "How to survive a recession: Get To Work Edition.

1) Have A Plan
And God SAID, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
Genesis 1:6 KJV

Pretty self explanatory, if you want get something done, you need to have a well laid out plan. Say it out loud to yourself every morning when you wake up. Speak it into existence.
Write the vision....

2) Get To Work
And God MADE the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
Genesis 1:7 KJV

God is not a fairy god mother who can make all your dreams come true with the wave of a magic wand. He is not a money doubler. He most certainly does not give hand outs. He blesses the work of your hands.
It's a divine principle. You gotta be seen doing something.
God MADE the firmament means God rolled up his sleeves and put in some work.

3) Don't Skip The Process
Now imagine that God created the fishes first before creating the sea.
Or if he created man first before creating the herb bearing seeds, what would man have had for lunch?
There are no short cuts to success.

4) Self Appraisal
....and God saw that it was good.
This is a recurring phrase in the creation story.
You are your biggest cheerleader. Take time out to look back on how far you've come and congratulate yourself. You deserve it.

5) Mediocrity is not an option
And God saw EVERYTHING that he had made, and, behold, it was VERY good.
Genesis 1:31 KJV

You got to give it your 110%

5) Get Some Rest
And on the seventh day God ENDED his work which he had made; and he RESTED on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
Genesis 2:2 KJV

GOD RESTED. Fascinating isn't it?
I like to imagine God coming home with his coveralls after a long six days in his lab designing an entire universe. Jesus runs to greet him at the door with a cold cup of water and the Holy Spirit hands him a pillow to rest his head on.
In fact that day was so good that
...God BLESSED the seventh day, and SANCTIFIED it: BECAUSE that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
Genesis 2:3 KJV

If God can make an entire universe out of shapelessness/darkness, you too can make something good come out of this recession.

HOW YO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 7

Disclaimer: Current weight: 71kg
Current tummy size: 23 weeks pregnancy equivalent.
Who strike don epp?

On today's episode of _How_To_Survive_A_Recession_ : Be Security Conscious Edition

A) Just in case you missed the notification, this is the 21st century, you cannot afford to have a weak password.
If your password combination is your birthday OR the name of your spouse/pet OR the last four digits of your credit card OR  the name/jersey number of your favorite football player; my dear you are begging to be hacked.
A good(strong) password has to contain upper/lower case letters, a number and preferably a symbol.

Having said that, try as much as possible not to use the same password for all your accounts.

Pro tip: If you have a hard time recalling passwords, send an email to yourself containing all your password combinations. And please when sending the email, don't put "Passwords" as the subject of the email What if someone hacks into your email eh Captain Obvious?

B) Ladies, when you're in your car in traffic, put your handbag/laptop bag on the floor or boot preferably. There are bad boys at traffic stops whose stock in trade is to break the windows of unsuspecting females and rob them of their valuables.

C) Story time!
One day like that I made an online transfer of a sizeable amount of money.The  bank had to call me to confirm if it was really me who authorized the transfer as it was not customary for such finds to leave my account in one go.
As per, na you be this?!

Likewise, my prayer for you this week is that God will cause such an uncommon transformation in your life that people will call you from all over just to hear all about it.

Because Jesus lives, you can face tomorrow. Do not be afraid.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 6

On today's episode of How to survive a recession: Safety First Edition

Tough times don't last, tough people do. The downside is that while the tough times are lasting, it also breeds people with tough conscience.
People who would do anything to make ends meet in a dwindling economy.
Safety is the watchword.

So now not only are companies laying off workers  or paying them half salaries, they are now churning out sub standard products/services to the market.
Funtime Coconut chips that I used to buy N100 that year and wouldn't be able to finish it, today I bought it and there were barely 8chips there still got the same price. Dollar Don high abi?
Bottled water now is suspect because I hear some people pick up the used bottles and refill them under the tap/resell as water or zobo.
Na today them start to dey clean off expiry date from Gala?
Be careful what you put in your mouth  people! Shine your eyes.

There are many things your phone can do besides Whatsapp and Facebook. Shocker! I know.
I'm always befuddled when someone tells me they are going to the ATM to buy credit or transfer money. In this 21st century kwa? Beloved, every bank now has a mobile app that allows you to do all your business without leaving your bed. If you're having difficulties with your account, all you need do is send customer care an email and they'd resolve your issue in no time.
Limit your exposure. Standing at the ATM makes you a potential target.

Travel in the daytime. Travel with your power bank. Let someone know where you are going o.

See eh, there are many angry people out and about these days. The economy is not smiling, we too are not smiling. Please approach people with caution especially road users. Not everytime Mortal Kombat, be a Jesus baby and just unlook.

Pay attention when you enter a taxi or keke. If the occupants of the vehicle start talking about dollars , please kindly alight.

Please report any suspicious activity to the police.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 5

Disclaimer: "Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Recovery is when Buhari loses his"
     (plagiarized version)

On today's episode of "How to survive a recession: Brother's Keeper Edition

You know what word rhymes with recession? Depression

One of the things we Nigerians are very much in denial about. But there's a lot of that going around these days.

Just about every other week I hear news of someone being laid off their job due to the economic downturn.
People are suffering quietly, struggling to make ends meet.
You turn on the news and just wonder....
It's not far fetched that times like this can leave one feeling stressed and depressed.

If there was ever a time to practice being our brother's keeper, it's now.

** Not everytime "Fadalaud send my destiny helpers my way", you too be somebody's destiny helper. Be the answer to somebody's prayers.

** Smile and pay someone a genuine compliment. It might just be the encouragement they need for the day.

** Turn the other cheek. Don't give in to anger. If someone is in your face/comments/inbox trying to be a first class A hole. You know that you can put this person on blast and decimate him with your words. Instead you ignore; mute conversation or block. You save yourself energy and save the ozone layer as well.
Jesus 1- 0 Satan

** Be courteous. Allow the other driver to enter your lane in traffic. Give someone a ride to work.

** Use deodorant.

** Don't do/say things that would make people blaspheme God, all in the name of stirring up religous debate. There are a few disgruntled people out there who will jump at any opportunity to ridicule God.

** Don't forget to pray for the internally displaced persons in the North.

** School is back in session. Look out for the young ones.

** Treat people with respect regardless of their social strata.

** SHARE internet data with someone.

** Call and keep in touch with your parents. Always remember that no matter how tough it gets, you are not alone.
This too shall pass.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 4

Disclaimer:
 "Good morning Patience Jonathan. The ideal patient👏. The only person that budgets $31 million for treatment. On behalf of doctors, please collect this good morning.
The rest of you that don't budget that amount, Goan look for your good morning. You people are the reason doctors are still driving 504"
     -Prince Viktörr

Previously on "How to survive a recession: The Food Edition (Eat healthy. Live healthy):
We saw the 20 amazing benefits of coconut oil(refer to Photo Album: Coconut Diaries)

Far be it from me to police your eating habits but since you're already here...

1) #FOODMUSTNOTWASTE. Repeat after me. Food must not waste.
Only cook what you can eat. It really is that simple.

2) Go NUTS with your diet. Walnut, Almonds, Cashew, Tiger nuts, Coconut, Peanuts etc
They have amazing health benefits.

3) Breakfast still remains the most important meal of the day.

4) Avoid eating roadside food i.e food you're not sure how it was prepared..
Not every time Mr Biggs. Staying in is the new going out.

5) Eat less salt, your heart will thank you for it.  Drink lots of water, your skin would thank you for it.
Eat your fruits/veggies, your bowels will thank you for it.
Exercise, your body will thank you for it.

6) Yeah the prices of things have gone up in the market, but always remember the golden rule, quality over quantity.
Amen?

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 3

Disclaimer:
" FRESH $5m found in Patience Jonathan's account" - PUNCH Newspaper
Abeg does anybody have any stale $5m that they are not using again?

On today's episode of "How to survive a recession: The Onigbese Edition

Onigbese: Debtor, Creditor

I've always said that there are two awkwardly frustrating situations I'd rather not find myself in:
1) having to tell someone that they have bad breath/body odour.
2) trying to convince(beg) someone who owes you money to pay up.

Scenario 1 is not all that daunting because once the issue is out in the open, it's only a matter of time before we can all move on with our lives.

Scenario 2 on the other hand, usually goes down like this:

You: Guy how far, when you go free me the bar?(when will you pay me my money?)

Onigbese:
** Is it because of small N50,000 you are harassing me like this ? My God will fight for me.
** You sef, are you not bigger than 5million naira?
** My ATM card got trapped
** Unfailingly tomorrow, first thing in the morning ("What if tomorrow never comes playing in the background")
** blocks you on all social media platforms/screens your calls.
** develops amnesia

You:  😶 *logs out of life*

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 2

Fun Fact:

In high school I overheard one girl say that if Esther loosened her hair before you then that means your hair must be really really old.
Yup I could carry(read as maintain😁) hair for Africa. Mostly because mother was always particular about my hair being cut small for braids/plaits which meant sitting down the whole day in one crummy shop because big head.
One more embarrassing thing about me you can add to your archives.

On today's episode of "Nobody asked for my advice but I'm gonna give it anyways..."

How to save money/time in a recession (and still look good): The Hair Edition

1) Know what works for you.
You must not try on every hairstyle that is in vogue. And if you must, then please get someone who is proficient. E.g crotchet braids. The idea of crotchet braids is that they are supposed to look REALISTIC. You feel me?

2) Team Natural
* perming your hair once every month is not healthy for your hair. The less chemicals in your hair, the better for you and your pocket.
* I like to perm my hair before I braid it so it'd come out neat and last longer. But I see no need perming my hair if I'm going to cover it with a weave later, except I'm going to leave out some hair then maybe.
* speaking of leave outs, please use weavons that match your hair color.
* if you do not own a hot comb then I strongly advise against leave outs. Can't be seen on the streets looking like a harassed clown especially in this rainy season.

3) Not every time Brazilian hair. But that don't mean you should go synthetic either.
* I'm frugal when it comes to buying weaves. If I don't see myself using it a second time, mbok I'm not buying.

4) My hair stylist is bae. Repeat after me. My hair stylist is bae.
* You see how men are loyal to their barbers? Good. Take it from me, male hair stylists are always the ones to go to whenever you want to cut or style your weave into a bob or pixie cut.

5) YouTube has many how-to videos on just about everything hair related. And if you don't have two left hands like me, you could even start making your hair yourself.

6) If  you're a guy reading this and thinking "Well won't it be cheaper if you just cut your hair"?, slap yourself before I slap you.

7) Salon that is not a gossip/rumor mongering center, is that one salon ?

THE WILDERNESS EXPERIENCE

Disclaimer: Since I was born and now I am getting old, there is no year that the theme "Dare to be different" is not used for Children's camp or Sunday School somewhere in Nigeria.

Allow me to share a little something that caught my attention over a year ago and has stuck with me ever since.
**The Wilderness Experience**

"And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil."
     Matthew 3:17 - 4:1 KJV

So here was Jesus, who had just received a divine endorsement from God himself in the hearing of all the people who had come to the Jordan to be baptized by John.
You'd expect that he would have opened his own church immediately and started his ministry from there on out because I mean what  other introduction can be better than that. Right?
Instead he was led into the wilderness where he fasted&prayed for 40days, and on top of the hunger the devil still came to look for his trouble, a whole beloved son of God!

Likewise for some of us, there are certain things that God has declared over your life that you feel is taking too long to manifest in reality. You can't understand why you don't have that job/spouse/healing/breakthrough yet and it seems things are getting tougher despite the numerous prophecies and visions and laying of hands. Hang in there honey, God is still in your situation. You just have to pass the test.

"The wilderness experience" is a place of testing, a place of hunger, a place of preparation, a place of solitude, a place where your faith grows into maturity.
And the devil is going to be on standby, fighting tooth and nail trying to weaken your resolve to serve God.
Do not be discouraged.
Keep on speaking the word of God to your situation.
And you better believe that if God brought you to it, he'd bring you through it.

Oh and everyday, strive to be the beloved son/daughter in whom God is well pleased with.

Don't skip the process.

KEEPING UP WITH THE MILLENIIALS

Food for thought:
To think that at the beginning of this year we had two months of scorching heat and we were praying for rain, now it rains almost every other day.
Everything has a season. God has ordered it to be so. Don't fret, your season of breakthrough will surely come. But in the meantime, don't skip the process.

Every other Sunday morning my mom and I debate over what shade of lipstick, amount of cleavage, sleeve/dress length or accessories  is appropriate for church.
This morning, my hair was too red, and the length wasn't helping matters.
**rubs temples**

It speaks of the generational gap that is very much existent in the church today. For the purpose of this conversation we shall divide these generations into two. On one hand we have the Generation X (those born between 1965 and 1976) and on the other hand we have the Millennials aka Generation Y( those born between 1977 and 1998)
In other words, we have the new school and the old school Christians, for want of a better expression.

The Millennials feel that church service should be brisk and business like; 2hours max and we're all out the door. The Generation Xers are of the opinion that we should dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever.

The Millennials praise God in a noisy way, with so much enthusiasm and excitement.
The Generation Xers on the other hand just want to listen to a hymn or spiritual song that takes them back to that "old time religion"
 Which one is "Baba carry me dey go dey go" again ? And why does the worship leader have that weird bushy hairdo?

The Millennials carry their Bible on their phones and tabs. The Generation Xers will stick to their leather bound KJV Bibles thank you very much.

I could go on and on but methinks you get my drift by now.
But you know the beautiful thing about it, no matter the generational divide/gap/fracture, there's one thing that connects us all - Christ Jesus. Let's all accommodate one another in love, it's what he'd have us do.

In other unrelated news: Congratulations mum on your ordination as a licensed minister of the Foursquare Gospel Church in Nigeria. May God continue to prosper you. Amen!

FACEBOOK SNOBS/PLAGARISTS

Disclaimer: Daddy Mark Zuckerberg is in Nigeria. This is not a drill! I repeat. Daddy Mark Zuckerberg is in the giant of Africa.
#OsheyAugustVisitor

On today's episode of "Petty hurts..''
Finally something else to gripe about that isn't "Feminism, Buhareconomics or 200K salary"
 OK I must warn you that I'm about to get really petty on this post, I've been off my meds lately. Proceed with caution.

There are a group of people I like to call 'Facebook snobs".
They believe Facebook is too good for them and they don't hesitate to point it out everytime they are on Twitter(oops!)
How can you identify a FB snob? They can be active on all other social media platforms but only show up on FB when they have something big happening in their lives they want us to know about or to update their profile picture.

Secondly, if everytime you come online your default reaction to people's updates is "what is this one even saying sef" OR "this one is always online everytime" OR you only accept friend requests from people with fine profile pictures OR you only like/share/comment on the updates of people in your FB clique(yes it's an actual thing) OR anyone who disagrees with you is a moron;
 you're well on your way to becoming a Facebook snob

And as for those of you who come on Facebook to post updates that have been trending on Twitter and pass it off as your own original idea, I don't even have words for you right now. Consider this your cease and desist order.

Finally, if it seems like all of a sudden your doctor friend has started replying your Whatsapp messages on time or is now available for weekend groove, don't get too excited, na strike we dey so. We shall be back to regular programming soon

So that concludes my ramblings for today. 3 minutes of your life you'd never get back.
Thank you for stopping by.

 Please exit this status in an orderly fashion.

*jogs to Twitter*

HOW TO SURVIVE A RECESSION Episode 1

Recession:
a period of temporary economic decline during which trade and industrial activity are reduced, generally identified by a fall in GDP in two successive quarters.
"Nigeria's economy slips into recession, FG attempts to allay concerns."
synonyms: downturn,depression, slump, slowdown,credit crunch, credit squeeze; stagnation ;hard times.

When men are cast down, then thou shalt say, There is lifting up; and he shall save the humble person.
Job 22:29 KJV

As Christians we love to quote the above passage and claim it for ourselves especially when we are at low points in our lives. Now with the news that Nigeria is officially in a recession, I can almost bet you that this verse would be the buttress point of many warfare prayers to come in the ensuing months.

Let's take a look at that verse again, in context. There are preconditions..

Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee.  Receive, I pray thee, the law from his mouth, and lay up his words in thine heart.  If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shalt put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles.
Job 22:21‭-‬23 KJV

First things first. You gotta get to know God better. Yes, we tend to experience more of God(and his grace) in tough times.
The FG says the economy is in a recession, are you going to cut corners to survive? Will your faith be strong when things get tough, cos they will. Or will you say like Job's wife "Curse God & die." Are you going to hold back on your charity? Are you going to cut back on your attendance in mid week services in an attempt to "make ends meet"?   What's it gonna be?

Then the blessings begin. Reading from verses 24 downwards, there's a list of all the goodies/rewards/bonus points you get for being on God's side.
"Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee: and the light shall shine upon thy ways." Job 22:28 KJV
It's oh so exciting!

The clincher is in verse 30
"He shall deliver the island of the innocent: and it is delivered by the pureness of thine hands."

The pureness of thine hands....

Recession or not, God's got you covered.
Happy New month ladies & gentlemen.

QUEEN ESTHER 2

Once upon a time a woman who I was just meeting for the first time told me that I should  pray against the spirit of being a second wife. Because according to her, the biblical Esther was a second wife and seeing as my name was also Esther...*chuckles*

Just like someone can read the book of Esther and conclude that a man should marry a woman who can pray for at least 1hr (because afterall Esther was a prayer warrior) or a woman who can cook (abi didn't Queen Esther with all her plenty beauty/degrees still cook for her husband/Haman? Does she have two heads?) People have different levels of understanding of the Scriptures.

To each his own. Whatever you believe works for you. No need to berate another because they interpret the Scriptures differently than you do.

OK so previously on "Keeping up with Queen Esther", we already established that she was not only a beauty but character and  brains too.
Here's two more things we can learn from her:

1) Esther was hospitable.
She invited the two people who planned to wipe out her entire family to dinner! (Haman and her husband the king)
Infact her dinner was so good that the Bible says Haman left the dinner that day with joy and a glad heart.(Esther 5:9).
Kill them with kindness.

2) Esther didn't have a revenge plan. She had a plan alright, but it wasn't revenge.
"If I perish, I perish".

Second wife or not, she would forever go down in history as the Queen who saved her people.

QUEEN ESTHER

It's 478 B.C and Esther has just become Queen of Persia.
She will later go on to save her people from total annihilation, hailed for her beauty, poise, remarkable bravery and unwavering faith in God.
But one thing this woman taught me is to learn how to keep your mouth shut.
Mmmm hmm!

We all know how the story goes.
It's Day 2 of the banquet and Esther is finally pleading for her life and that of her people. The king is furious and demands to know who
is responsible for such treachery.

 "And Esther said, The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. Then Haman was afraid before the king and the queen."
Esther 7:5‭-‬6 KJV

Eh?! That was all she said o and the king started to provoke. Very rational and diplomatic response.
Lai lai! If it were me, this was how the conversation would have went.

Oyibo Pepper to the King:
Is it not this wicked Haaman? Very foolish somebody. So you want to act like you don't know what I'm talking about abi? Was it not the both of you that connived to kill my people? Are you not the one that gave him the permission to do so? Just look at the type of people who work for you. So you didn't even know that I'm a Jew, this man sef what do you even know about me?
You see your life now? So that is how I will just die and you will bring another woman to replace me like you did Vashti. You think I did not know that has been your plan all along? You want to bring all those small small girls in your harem into my matrimonial home. It will not work o you hear me!

Or something to that effect...

Queen E didn't even suggest to the King that Haman be punished even though she was well within her rights to do so. She respected her husband's authority and decision on the matter.

Haman never expected it
Esther 100 - 0 Haman.

Well played Esty babe, well played.

GRAMMAR POLICE

On today's episode of "How do I say this without sounding like a condescending know it all?"

Let's get right down to it.
*flashes Grammar Police badge*

1) Did you know that "Am" is not a substitute for " I'm (I am) "?
 On no account should you use them interchangeably.
E.g Am grateful to God (wrong)
       I'm grateful to God (correct)

Pro tip: You cannot use "Am" to start a sentence, a question maybe, but never a sentence.
Am I making sense?

2) Celebration shall not SIEZE in your house (wrong)
Celebration shall not CEASE in your house (correct)

3) Have you ____ paying attention to anything I've ____ saying?
A) been B) being C) beign

Alright, am done.
I'll see myself out.

PONZI SCHEMES, MLM et al

Disclaimer: I apologize in advance for any feathers that might be ruffled as a result of this post, probably going to get some flak too.
*adjusts helmet and anti-riot gear*

My first year of med school (yelz, na only me waka come)...
Where were we?
Ah med school. Yes.
 There was this fantastic business opportunity that was going to make all of us rich in no time. All you had to do was register with a certain amount of money and then find two people to register under you and then.... you already know the rest.
Let's just say it did not end well.
 Even though I didn't invest my money, that incident put me off completely from what I eventually got to know was what they call a Pyramid or Ponzi scheme.

According to Wiki,
 "A Ponzi scheme  is a fraudulent investment operation where the operator, an individual or organization, pays returns to its investors from new capital paid to the operators by new investors, rather than from profit earned through legitimate sources. Operators of Ponzi schemes usually entice new investors by offering higher returns than other investments, in the form of short-term returns that are either abnormally high or unusually consistent."
Sound familiar ?

Of course there are subtle differences between a Ponzi scheme and a Pyramid scheme but that's not why we are gathered here today.

Children of the Most High, they have come again. The thing has worn suit and face cap. Awon multi level marketing. Ndi get rich or die trying.
In this period of recession, they're trying to convince me that all that glitters is really gold, rag to riches story, same old song but with a different tune.

I have questions.
Who is the Oga at the top of this your pyramid? Where is their headquarters located and how do they generate their capital/income? What if I can't convince two more people to come under me? What if the two people under me can't convince two other people? This exponential profit that you say I'm going to make, how legit is it? Who e epp?
Why are you looking at me like that?

See eh. Never in the history of Ponzi schemes has any Ponzi scheme ended well.
No allow make dem use your head take sip garri. You people will not hear.

But I must confess, I have to admire the tenacity with which these guys go after you to join their organization. Their commitment is legendary.

But on the flip side tho, what if love was a Ponzi scheme?

TUMELESS GOD: SPECIALIST IN IMPOSSIBILITIES

"Oh God, make my impact on my generation be far greater than the capacity that is within me."

This was a prayer topic in church yesterday with the anchor verse taken from
Psalm 71:18 KJV
"Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come."

Old age is a time where one is perceived to be frail, having little or strength at all to keep up with the hustle and bustle that is life, a time to retire and rest let the young ones take over.
And the sighting of gray hairs serves as a vivid reminder that old age is upon us, a thing some people dread.
Nobody expects am old man to do much.

But here was the Psalmist pleading with God to use him, even in his old age, to impact his generation and the ones after him.
How enthralling!

If God could use an old man, why can't he use you ?
My fav song when I'm faced with challenges that try to limit God in my life...
'I have no doubt my God can do the impossible.
I know he can; I've seen him do it.
He can turn the mess you're in to an awesome miracle.
I know he can; I've seen him do it.
Whatever problem you've got,
If you just give it to God, he'll work it out.
How do I know?
I've seen him do it.'

Impossible is nothing with God.

Remain blessed.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Did I ever tell you guys about that one time in the university when a roach flew into my ear while I was sleeping?

Haay Fadalaud!
I was freaking out big time, having done all I could to coax/lure/scare the offending insect out of my lughole.
 Crying hysterically (yes I'm a big cry baby, sue me), I phoned a friend. At 3:30am.
Never mind that I had two block mates who lived just next door I could literally hear them breathing, the only person that came to mind was someone who lived one hour away.

Looking back now it's clear to me why I made that call.
I needed someone I knew could calm me down no matter how hysterical I was. Someone I knew would drop everything and come running if ever I was in trouble.

Same friend was my support system when I was in chronic pain from a herniated disc. Went with me to every doctor's appointment, did all my heavy lifting, prayed with/for me and scolded me severely whenever I neglected to wear my neck brace.

We all (should) have that one person in our lives who we can always count on to be there for us.
That friend who would go to war for us and ask questions later. That friend who will call you out on your bullshit. That friend who 110% believes in you. That friend with whom we can totally be ourselves, who understands the things you're not saying.
Heck you may not speak with each other so often  and they probably live a thousand miles away, but when you reconnect it's like no time has passed at all.

If you don't have that type of friend then you should definitely consider being that type of friend.

Let's be honest, friend that has not seen the doctor extract a roach out of your ear before, is that one friend?

CORRUPTION BEGINS WITH ME

On today's episode of "Let's call a spade a spade..."

Corruption begins with me.
Yes you.

I'd never understand those people that lied to their parents about school fees money. Those ones that inflated the prices of their textbooks so that they could get extra "spending money" from their parents.

If you can willfully and intentionally defraud your own parents of money, who is to say you won't/can't do the same to the good people of Nigeria?

Budget padders in training.

Look inward my friend, corruption begins with you.

STORY TIME

On today's episode of "Stories that touch the heart and inflame the liver...."

I am one of those people that used to eat "swallow" (garri/soup) with fork.
It's a habit I picked up mainly because I'm kind of a messy eater and my family members could no longer bear sharing their food with me. 😋
😁

So one day I'm in the cafeteria having a late lunch after having quite a day at work. On this particular day there was no soap at work to decontaminate my hands, just water and my hand sanitizer. I wasn't feeling too comfortable eating 'swallow' with my hands so I requested for a fork.

Halfway into my meal this guy comes up behind me and exclaims "Who is this one eating eba with fork"?
I let out a tired smile and shut my eyes willing him to go away so I could grub in peace.
I open my eyes and he is seated opposite me and has launched into a monologue of how we Nigerians are losing our culture and embracing the white man's culture (case in point, my using a fork to eat eba. Sacrilege!)
                                                             
  He further went on to lament how the Akwa Ibom people have now let the Ibo's take over business in the state and how we are now marrying outsiders who will now come and dilute our culture.
He was particularly upset that the younger generation are not being encouraged to speak their native dialect which puts it in danger of extinction.

Mind you the entire time he was talking, he spoke only in Ibibio, some things he said were lost in translation. When he was done he now asked me what I thought of all  he said (Now it was my turn to watch him eat)

 I started speaking in English and the look he gave me could have turned me into a pillar of salt..

Fast forward to yesterday, I overheard the cab driver saying that " Thank God Anambra state is now producing rice, so that when Buhari finally scatters Nigeria, we in Biafra would eat our rice and the rest of you will eat your crude oil"

Moral of this plenty story ?
Since that fateful day, I have not eaten swallow with fork again, and it's not for lack of trying.
I feel concerned. Have I been bewinched?

KEEPING UP WITH THE MILLENIALS: SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES

Disclaimer: The sexiest thing a married man can say to me is "I'd talk to my wife about it".

On today's episode of "Keeping up with the Millennials..."

Today's word of the day is SUB.

Sub is derived from the word SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE.

According to the Collins dictionary, a subliminal message is a message passed to the human mind without the mind being consciously aware of it.

In other words the message is picked up on by your subconscious even without you being aware that a message has been passed across.
It's a marketing tool usually employed in advertising to get you thinking about their product when you don't even realize you're doing it.

The Urban Dictionary defines a SUB as an underhanded comment directed at a specific person meant to insult/embarrass them publicly on a social networking site (usually Facebook).

If you thought subs just started with this generation. Think again.
Nigerian aunties/mommies have been subbing people since the beginning of time.
For example:

Nigerian mommy to Oyibo Pepper:
Is this how you would be doing in your husband's house? (Translation: When will you marry?)

Nigerian aunty to Oyibo Pepper:
 We are waiting for you to send us to the market o! (Translation: When will you marry?)

Nigerian aunty to Oyibo Pepper:
I'm expecting your card. (Translation: When will you marry?)

It's a beautiful morning people. Go forth and be awesome!

MOSES: A lesson in disobedience

Have you ever wondered if God was a bit too harsh for not allowing Moses to enter the Promise Land because of a little disobedience?

Lemme share a sermon I listened to some 13 years ago about the ten plagues of Egypt.

Plague 2
And the Lord spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch forth thine hand WITH THY ROD over the streams, over the rivers, and over the ponds, and cause frogs to come up upon the land of Egypt.
And Aaron stretched out his HAND over the waters of Egypt; and the frogs came up, and covered the land of Egypt.  And the MAGICIANS did so with their enchantments, and brought up frogs upon the land of Egypt. Exodus 8:5‭-‬7 KJV

So Aaron stretched out only his hands (without his rod) and sure enough the frogs came. But what was the catch? The magicians were still able to do the same thing.

Plague 3
The plague of lice happened just as God said it would  because Moses & Co followed his instructions to the letter and here's the interesting part; the magicians tried to replicate the plague and failed woefully. Exodus 8:16-18

Plague 7
And the Lord said unto Moses, Stretch forth thine HAND toward heaven, that there may be hail in all the land of Egypt, upon man, and upon beast, and upon every herb of the field, throughout the land of Egypt.
And Moses stretched forth his ROD toward heaven: and the Lord sent thunder and hail, and the fire ran along upon the ground; and the Lord rained hail upon the land of Egypt.
Exodus 9:22- 23 KJV

So instead of just sending just hail on the land of Egypt, God sent a mixture of hail/thunder/fire simply because Moses didn't follow instruction to the letter.

Same for the plague of locusts and the turning of Moses rod to a snake...

Till this day I carry the lesson I learnt from that sermon with me.
Partial obedience to God is no obedience at all.

A LETTER FROM GLORIA

On today's episode of "I bet you didn't know that!...."

"Studies show that one in four children have undiagnosed eye problems which can interfere with learning and lead to academic and/or behavioral problems"

Gloria is 8 years old, the only child to a single mom. She is a lively and brilliant girl but her school performance is poor.
She hardly pays attention in class and doesn't copy notes from the chalkboard. Her relationship with her classmates is strained at best as she is usually the butt of their jokes.
 "Olodo rabata!" they'd hail her, everytime she failed to answer the teacher's question in class.
 Her last report card reads; "Gloria is a lovely girl but she is very lazy. She can do better."

I am Gloria.
Right from when I was born my parents noticed there was something wrong with my eyes. I went to the optometrist so many times I lost count, there was no test I didn't do, practically changed lenses every six months because the doctors kept getting it wrong.
My folks, bless their hearts, were determined to get my vision corrected.

"Visual  difficulties  affect  children’s  ability  to  learn (three  times  more  likely  to  fail  at  least  one  grade), resulting in academic  under-achievement  and  risk of reduced  adult  literacy.  This  has  a  significant  impact  on professional and social fulfillment."

I was one of the lucky few.
I didn't let the fact that I couldn't see the chalkboard properly deter me from copying my notes and making excellent grades. I was a nuisance to my seatmates cos I was always leaning over their shoulders to copy their notes, my nose almost making contact with their books.
I always made sure my seat was as close to the board as possible. In Class 5 I practically begged my teacher with tears to let me put my seat in front of the class.
One time in high school at the beginning of a new term, I cried my eyes out when I discovered my seat had been moved to the back. It was a major melt down, my class mates were positively stunned.
Before you laugh at me, I went to a federal school and seating positions were survival of the fittest. I'd never forget it was Chiamaka Chukwuemeka    who calmed me down and somehow I got my front spot back.

"Good eyesight (the ability to read  at a certain  distance which is  tested  in  some  countries)  is  not  the  same  as good  vision."

It was a bit difficult explaining to people my eye problem. It usually involved a lot of words like "myopia", "strabismus", "nystagmus".
When I was younger my parents thought I hated wearing glasses because it didn't look "cool" but in actual fact, all they did was give me a headache.
The question "Why are you not wearing your glasses?" still annoys me to no end.

"  Vision  problems  cause  developmental  difficulties and  have  been  linked  to  anti-social /delinquent  behavior.  In  the  USA,  up  to  70%  of  juvenile  offenders  have undiagnosed vision problems."

I had a lot of coping mechanisms.
In the university, whenever I was walking with my girlfriends, if someone from afar waved at us, one of them would lean closely and whisper the name of the person who was waving so that way my face would register recognition and I could wave back without looking foolish. I really do have amazing friends.

"$269  billion of  productivity  is  lost worldwide due  to uncorrected vision."
I finally learned how to drive this year but I still harbor this fear that my eyesight could get me into a lot of trouble behind the wheel.

"Vision  problems  can  reduce  employees’  performance  by  as  much  as  20%4  and  considerably  affect employment  opportunities, job satisfaction  and  job security."

Dear teacher,
I am not lazy. I really just have a hard time reading the blackboard and it gives me a constant headache. I also feel bad why my class mates call me names.
I could use reading glasses and a little positive reinforcement. Thank you.
                          - Gloria

FACEBOOK FOR DUMMIES: The Ultimate Guide

Hello!
How's your weekend going?
OK so now that you're here, let's talk a little bit about how Facebook works, shall we?
*hits snooze button*

So it has come to my attention that some of you feel like your updates/pictures are not getting the number of Likes/Comments they deserve. You probably feel that your virtual friends/followers ignore your posts so once in a while you come online to threaten to "decongest" your friends list by removing your "ghost" friends/followers.
Your concerns are valid but....

Lemme digress a bit and introduce you to the concept of a Facebook gang. You're probably in one and you ain't even know yet.

A Facebook gang consists of those people whose posts you like all the time. Infact you're so used to liking their posts that these days you just like by default even without reading or seeing it. That is why you can see a video with 3 views and 20 likes in less than 5minutes.

Facebook gang members can always be seen hobnobbing in the comments section of a fellow gang member.

Even Mark Zuckerberg knows you're part of a gang, that's why if you check the "Favorites" section on your profile, you'd see all your gang members listed there. They are the people you interact with the most on this platform.

Pro tip: If you want somebody to like/comment on your posts, you have to like/comment on their own posts first. I don't know how it happens but people always feel obliged to return the favor.

Now back to the original issue. Imagine if the posts of your 1000+ friends appeared on your newsfeed all at once, you'd have a dizzying headache na.
So Facebook has streamlined it in such a way that you only get to see the posts of people that matter. In the sense that the more you interact with a person(either by chatting them up on Msngr or liking their posts or even stalking, sorry I mean following them)
the more you're likely to see their posts on your newsfeed.
Kind of how the real world works.
 
Una good evening.

NETIQUETTE

On today's episode of  *drum roll*
"Netiquette"...
Yes that's an actual word!

Netiquette:
rules about the proper and polite way to communicate with other people when you are using the Internet

BACK STORY: Before I come online to rant about anything, and I mean anything at all, I always consult Google to fact check and educate myself.
So today I wanted to rant about Online decorum and what do you know, my search turned up a new word - Netiquette.
How cool is that?!

Now back to regular programming...
Here are some tips I feel could help all of us get along on this platform sha....

1) Status updates
OK before today, I'd criticise some of y'all grammar/spelling. But then Daddy Zuckerberg reminded me that on this day in 2010, my status update read: "Do long DISTANT relationship work? Yes or No?"
*cringe* *adjusts chair on moral high ground*

I understand not everyone can be creative, subtle, eloquent, witty or dish out sarcasm on their posts. But at least you can use punctuation marks, no?
Reading a status update that has no paragraph or spacing, then to make matters worse everything is typed in lower case letters, is tantamount to visual assault & battery.

** It is rude when you copy someone's update and then at the end of the post you now write #copied without crediting the author.

** Keep your updates as concise as possible. Not everyone has the fortitude for lengthy posts.

2) You can't win 'em all
Let's face facts here, not everyone will agree with you on everything. There'd always be someone with a contrary opinion. Learn to be accommodative and be open to criticism/new ideas. Know when to walk away.
 Not everytime Facebook militant aka cyber bully.
On the flip side, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

3) The internet never forgets.
If you think nobody sees your posts(judging by the number of likes you get), try posting a nude picture of yourself by 2am). Na there you go know say monitoring spirits are real.
Make sure you can defend whatever you say online.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Today you are the cyber bully, tomorrow it may be your turn on the hot seat.

4) Disclaimer: You see those people that add you to groups without your consent or those that tag you in posts/pictures you have no business being in? *reels out expletives*

P.S for those of y'all wondering, the word is  long DISTANCE relationship.
Thanks for reading.

PROFILING & THE NIGERIAN POLICE

Disclaimer: "Watching Grey's Anatomy doesn't make you a doctor any more than standing in a garage makes you an automobile."

Today's word of the day is PROFILING.

I'm a TV show junkie. I'd pick staying at home, watching reruns of The Good Wife over going to the cinema to see the latest installment of Fast & Furious anytime, anyday.
I particularly like legal/detective shows, mainly because of the psychological component. Plus you get to learn cool phrases like "unsub", "APB", "BOLO", etc
It was on one of such shows, Criminal Minds to be exact, that I picked up on the word "Profiling"

Profiling, according to Merriam Webster, is the act or process of learning information about someone based on what is already known.
In the legal system it is the act or practice of regarding particular people as more likely to commit crimes because of their appearance, race, etc.

Which is why it's more likely that the police will pull you over for a stop and search if you are a black male wearing skinny/ripped jeans with an afro.
It's also why when as a Nigerian, you go to the American embassy to obtain a visa, you're made to go through the most stringent protocols.

Now back to the police.
These days whenever I approach a police checkpoint, my heart races a little.
Maybe it's because just last month an army officer waved his gun at us in traffic because we dared to question him.
Or maybe it's because of that one time Road Safety officials detained our car on Ore road because they claimed the tires had expired. Meanwhile they watched as this rickety trailer with thick black smoke billowing from the exhaust and clearly overloaded with goods drove past us. Who road worthiness don epp?

The most recent happened as we were approaching Port Harcourt. We were asked to present the vehicle papers which were all complete or so we thought.
Next thing the officer asks for the "receipt of our license plate" because according to him, people have started stealing license plates.
Oya now, when we couldn't produce it he asked us to settle them with 5K or else the car would be detained. No amount of "Oga I beg" would make the young man change his mind so we just sat down quietly and waited for them to do their worst.
When he saw we weren't budging, his superior now came to make nice with us by offering to marry me. And that's how we were let go.

Moral of this story?
I don't know when they started asking for receipt of license plate but does anyone have an idea of the complete list of documents one is supposed to present to Road safety officials and the Police at check points to avoid future intimidation and harassment?
Thank you.

NIGERIAN FACTOR

Disclaimer: The following post is heavily stereotyped. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental or not.

On today's episode of "Things Nigerians do that stress me out"

MONEY
A Nigerian with mint Naira notes is like a spoilt kid with a new toy; they don't want to share.
Nigerians are so fond of hoarding mint Naira notes that if they manage to part ways with that money, they'd quarrel with you for giving them dirty money as change.

RADIO SHOWS
Nigerian OAP: *in epileptic accent*
Please turn down the volume of your radio set before calling into the show
Nigerian listener: *calls in with stereo turned all the way up* Hello? Can you hear me?

DIRECTIONS
God forbid a Nigerian ever admits to not knowing the answer to something.
"Aunty when you get to the T junction, turn left and keep going till you see the red chapel, then ask anybody from there they will direct you"
😥

PRAYER
Nigerian: You're not praying o, I can't hear you
Translation: You're not shouting loud enough.

TIME
Time is just a suggestion.
We all know we're gonna be late to that event, it's just a matter of how late.
10am prompt and the bride is nowhere to be found.

VOICEMAIL
GLO: 0803XXX just sent you a Voice SMS. Please dial 115 to listen to it.
Oyibo Pepperr:  *dials 115*
 *listens to 1minute of heavy breathing and indistinct shuffling*
GLO: 4Naira has been deducted from your account.
FFS!

STATUS UPDATE
Nigerian: Why do bad things happen to good people? *insert sad emoticon* #feelingsad.
Concerned(Amebo) Nigerian 1: Sorry love, what happened?
Nigerian: *vague silence*
Amebo Nigerian 2: Inbox dear.
Me: Just negodu!
 
           
                     <<end of rant>>

YOU'VE GOT TIME

Thinking out loud:
I don't believe that giving a child double(or single) promotion in school is in his/her best interest.
Getting an education is not just about making good grades, I wish some people would understand that.
A child can be intellectually dominant yet still be emotionally and psychologically deficient.
Imagine a 14 year old within the four walls of a university. Outside academics he cannot socially mingle with his "peers" for obvious reasons.
Smart as he may be, has to work twice as hard to prove that he deserves to be there.
His character flaws might be overlooked because afterall he's smart enough to handle himself.
So there's the danger of "passing through the school but the school did not pass through you"
 «««««««««««««»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»

This morning Isabella stuck out her tongue for me to wash her teeth. This was a first.
I usually have to burst into song to coax her to even open her mouth to let me brush it. On a very good day, I just hold her down and have my way with her.

She's just 2 years old but she inspires me so.
There was a time you could barely get her to sit still during morning devotion, but now it's just fascinating watching her sit in her position without any prompting, singing with gusto and paying rapt attention to what is being said. She's even coveted the responsibility of sharing the hymn books.
Sometimes I catch her talking to herself and when I get closer I can hear her reciting what she learnt in school during the day. She'd even go as far as interjecting the part where her teacher told her to keep quiet and pay attention😄 She's smart like that.

She's a constant reminder that growth is a process, a time bound process. Whenever I start to fidget and worry over stuff like career , health or marriage, I have to constantly remind myself to "GIVE IT TIME"

Bisi Adewale writes:
Time tests Love and proves it.
Time tests businesses and authenticates it. Time tests spirituality and reveals it.
Time, a good tester.
Don’t say that NEPA in your area is now the best
until you have GIVEN IT TIME.
Your Uncle or Father told You that you are useless and worthless and can’t amount to
anything, just laugh it away and ask them to
GIVE YOU TIME.
Quote me… Consistency with time is the true
test of Efficiency.
Time is a tester.
Time is an AUTHENTICATOR
Time is a REVEALER
TIME IS STILL A MATTER.
Thanks for giving this long piece your TIME.

My name is Oyibo Pepper and I write to inspire learning.