NETIQUETTE

On today's episode of  *drum roll*
"Netiquette"...
Yes that's an actual word!

Netiquette:
rules about the proper and polite way to communicate with other people when you are using the Internet

BACK STORY: Before I come online to rant about anything, and I mean anything at all, I always consult Google to fact check and educate myself.
So today I wanted to rant about Online decorum and what do you know, my search turned up a new word - Netiquette.
How cool is that?!

Now back to regular programming...
Here are some tips I feel could help all of us get along on this platform sha....

1) Status updates
OK before today, I'd criticise some of y'all grammar/spelling. But then Daddy Zuckerberg reminded me that on this day in 2010, my status update read: "Do long DISTANT relationship work? Yes or No?"
*cringe* *adjusts chair on moral high ground*

I understand not everyone can be creative, subtle, eloquent, witty or dish out sarcasm on their posts. But at least you can use punctuation marks, no?
Reading a status update that has no paragraph or spacing, then to make matters worse everything is typed in lower case letters, is tantamount to visual assault & battery.

** It is rude when you copy someone's update and then at the end of the post you now write #copied without crediting the author.

** Keep your updates as concise as possible. Not everyone has the fortitude for lengthy posts.

2) You can't win 'em all
Let's face facts here, not everyone will agree with you on everything. There'd always be someone with a contrary opinion. Learn to be accommodative and be open to criticism/new ideas. Know when to walk away.
 Not everytime Facebook militant aka cyber bully.
On the flip side, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

3) The internet never forgets.
If you think nobody sees your posts(judging by the number of likes you get), try posting a nude picture of yourself by 2am). Na there you go know say monitoring spirits are real.
Make sure you can defend whatever you say online.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Today you are the cyber bully, tomorrow it may be your turn on the hot seat.

4) Disclaimer: You see those people that add you to groups without your consent or those that tag you in posts/pictures you have no business being in? *reels out expletives*

P.S for those of y'all wondering, the word is  long DISTANCE relationship.
Thanks for reading.

PROFILING & THE NIGERIAN POLICE

Disclaimer: "Watching Grey's Anatomy doesn't make you a doctor any more than standing in a garage makes you an automobile."

Today's word of the day is PROFILING.

I'm a TV show junkie. I'd pick staying at home, watching reruns of The Good Wife over going to the cinema to see the latest installment of Fast & Furious anytime, anyday.
I particularly like legal/detective shows, mainly because of the psychological component. Plus you get to learn cool phrases like "unsub", "APB", "BOLO", etc
It was on one of such shows, Criminal Minds to be exact, that I picked up on the word "Profiling"

Profiling, according to Merriam Webster, is the act or process of learning information about someone based on what is already known.
In the legal system it is the act or practice of regarding particular people as more likely to commit crimes because of their appearance, race, etc.

Which is why it's more likely that the police will pull you over for a stop and search if you are a black male wearing skinny/ripped jeans with an afro.
It's also why when as a Nigerian, you go to the American embassy to obtain a visa, you're made to go through the most stringent protocols.

Now back to the police.
These days whenever I approach a police checkpoint, my heart races a little.
Maybe it's because just last month an army officer waved his gun at us in traffic because we dared to question him.
Or maybe it's because of that one time Road Safety officials detained our car on Ore road because they claimed the tires had expired. Meanwhile they watched as this rickety trailer with thick black smoke billowing from the exhaust and clearly overloaded with goods drove past us. Who road worthiness don epp?

The most recent happened as we were approaching Port Harcourt. We were asked to present the vehicle papers which were all complete or so we thought.
Next thing the officer asks for the "receipt of our license plate" because according to him, people have started stealing license plates.
Oya now, when we couldn't produce it he asked us to settle them with 5K or else the car would be detained. No amount of "Oga I beg" would make the young man change his mind so we just sat down quietly and waited for them to do their worst.
When he saw we weren't budging, his superior now came to make nice with us by offering to marry me. And that's how we were let go.

Moral of this story?
I don't know when they started asking for receipt of license plate but does anyone have an idea of the complete list of documents one is supposed to present to Road safety officials and the Police at check points to avoid future intimidation and harassment?
Thank you.

NIGERIAN FACTOR

Disclaimer: The following post is heavily stereotyped. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental or not.

On today's episode of "Things Nigerians do that stress me out"

MONEY
A Nigerian with mint Naira notes is like a spoilt kid with a new toy; they don't want to share.
Nigerians are so fond of hoarding mint Naira notes that if they manage to part ways with that money, they'd quarrel with you for giving them dirty money as change.

RADIO SHOWS
Nigerian OAP: *in epileptic accent*
Please turn down the volume of your radio set before calling into the show
Nigerian listener: *calls in with stereo turned all the way up* Hello? Can you hear me?

DIRECTIONS
God forbid a Nigerian ever admits to not knowing the answer to something.
"Aunty when you get to the T junction, turn left and keep going till you see the red chapel, then ask anybody from there they will direct you"
😥

PRAYER
Nigerian: You're not praying o, I can't hear you
Translation: You're not shouting loud enough.

TIME
Time is just a suggestion.
We all know we're gonna be late to that event, it's just a matter of how late.
10am prompt and the bride is nowhere to be found.

VOICEMAIL
GLO: 0803XXX just sent you a Voice SMS. Please dial 115 to listen to it.
Oyibo Pepperr:  *dials 115*
 *listens to 1minute of heavy breathing and indistinct shuffling*
GLO: 4Naira has been deducted from your account.
FFS!

STATUS UPDATE
Nigerian: Why do bad things happen to good people? *insert sad emoticon* #feelingsad.
Concerned(Amebo) Nigerian 1: Sorry love, what happened?
Nigerian: *vague silence*
Amebo Nigerian 2: Inbox dear.
Me: Just negodu!
 
           
                     <<end of rant>>