My Lagos Chronicles

Edakun. Please can we address Nigerians and their false sense of modesty.

It's just about 7 in the morning and I'm sitting in the keke marwa waiting for other passengers to fill it up. An elderly woman gets in and I move over to the middle to make room for her. She is seated close to the door.

Not soon after, there comes this little boy with his mother to board the vehicle. Going by his looks the lad couldn't have been more than five years old, and you know how boisterous children in that age group can be.

So the little boy makes a miscalculated attempt to cross over the elderly woman's legs to get into the vehicle and he inadvertently steps on her.

She screams at him in Yoruba. Next thing I hear is 'Whack!' His mother slaps him hard across the face and is scolding him for being so careless.

The elderly woman now starts "pleading" with the mother to take it easy on the boy. All I can feel is pity for the now very much subdued youngster and can't help but wonder why an elderly person will make such a big deal out of an act that was obviously borne out of childhood exuberance.

I find it mildly amusing when I see a Nigerian mother who is world famous for panel beating her own children at home, come to the neighbors house to beg her to "take it easy" when she is panel beating her own children.

I could rant off a few more case scenarios but this akara will not eat itself.

A Crash Course In Male Etiquette

Good morning dear folk of the male specie. I have a very serious issue to discuss with you this fine morning before we go about our daily activities.

The first category of people I will like to address here today are the HUGGERS a.ka Current tappers.
Two words. Personal space.
Why is it that when you see your homeboys, you shake hands with them but you insist on hugging and pulling me in close when you see me?
Not cool sir, please stay in your lane.

Secondly, and possibly the worst of the bunch are the SMOOTH TALKERS(allegedly)
"Baby how are you doing", "Good morning beautiful" "Hello angel" 🌚
Young man, we don't know each other like that. Keep your sweet words to yourself.
And then those ones that have girlfriends/wives that go 'upandan' the cyber space confusing young girls with sweet words, the devil is soaking your cane inside kerosene.

Questions? Have a good day.
Class dismissed!

<<end of rant>>

C.R.A.M.P.S

Mittelschmerz

"Oh God no! Surely it can't be!"

 She reaches for her iPad and opens her fertility calendar app.

The highlighted green icon on the calendar confirms what her body has been trying to tell her all day, she has started ovulating.

Which could only mean one thing, her period was approximately 14 days away.

*activate survival mode*

PMS

The next 14 days are crucial for her. She crosses off things on her must/to do list:

- Buy the strongest pain killers at the pharmacy 

- Pray her period doesn't come on a weekday

- Avoid wearing white clothes 

- Avoid sweet things 

- Mood swings. Bloating. Acne. Temperature. Tenderness. Constipation. Nausea.

- Pray for the soul of anyone who gets on her nerves.

- Cramps. Urgh

Dysmenorrhea 

The red robots are here to mess up my day.....

She curls up in a fetal position on the bed, cradling a hot water bottle beneath her.

Nothing provides relief. She must suffer in silence for the next 24/48hours. Nobody understands her pain. 

The topic of a woman on her period has always been a hush hush thing. Even the idea of bringing it up is subconsciously frowned upon. In ancient times, a woman on her period was considered unclean.

Even you reading this now are a bit uncomfortable.

Oh well.

In my humble expert opinion, between labour pains and a very bad tooth ache, menstrual cramps are the absolute worst. 

Basically, it's like your uterus is trying to kill you.

I've once had cramps so bad I literally prayed for death to come.

Every girl tends to think she's got it bad until she meets another girl whose cramp episodes are just brutal. Kai! We should have a support group or something.

To be honest I can't seem to remember where I was going with this post.

Oh and ladies, while we are still on the matter, you can use any of the following very useful apps (Ladytimer or MyCalendar) to keep track of your cycle.

      <<end of monologue>>